The Attention Span of a Toddler

You may have noticed that most small ones have the attention span of a newt. And although I do not deem to know precisely the intentions of the diapered hamster in my son’s brain, toddling furiously upon his wheel, I’m pretty confident in asserting the thoughts are all over the place.

So today we have a guest blog of sorts. Below is an actual conversation (monologue really) as one of everyone’s favorite muppets navigated his evening. I am not making this up.

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Mommy, when we get to play the shocker ball game with Aunt Ivy? But we can’t go ober dare. That’s not Aunt Ivy’s house. That’s a struction site. With a tractor. TWO TRACTORS!

I want to see the trees. The tree in the truck. Oberder. It’s by the moon.

I have two dogs. I…I…I have two doggies. Look! That’s a doggie. Cooper is sick. I hafta kiss him on the head. He’s coning? <Our yellow lab is presently humiliated in the cone of shame after a surgery.>

I don’t see Lightening McQueen.

A brown doggie. <Our dogs are yellow and black.> It’s a rhinoceros. <Huh?>

I need to go to the park. I NEED to go to the park! We only fly the kite at the park. I don’t want to hit. No, I don’t want to go to the park. I need to go potty. <He didn’t.>

<Marching across the floor.> Tucka tucka tucka tucka tucka tucka. <I’ve got nothing here.>

Mommy can I talk? Ok. <Picks up old-school rotary style phone I refuse to get rid of.> “Hello. We’re going to eat dinner in a minute. Then we’re gonna watch Buzz Lightyear and Woody and baseball.”

Are these gloves? I need my baseball glove. Where’s my white ball?

Daddy’s at work. And then we eat breakfast. I want waffles. <Nice try. Still dinnertime.>

I NEED FRENCH TOAST!

No no no no no.

<Singing.> Garbage truck, the garbage truck, it’s a bulldozer. You’re head is a donkey. <Did my not-yet-3-year-old just call me an ass?>

Can I watch Mickey on the TV? I play Jake on your iPad? I NEED MY MICKEY STICKER!

Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? <Sanity has already gone to bed. Yes dear?>

Where’s my hippo go? Oh! There he is right there. He has a giraffe. <Clearly the zoo animals lesson was sticky.>

This is my stuff. All my guys. There’s too many guys! Hey, my shocker ball fell down. My green football! Mommy, why you have a hockey puck in your head. <My hair was styled in a bun, dammit!>

I not in trouble any more. I NOT a stinker pants. <Diaper change.>

Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness! OH MY GOODNESS!

I need to snuggle. Cinderella needs to sleep. She’s a princess. You princess, too, mommy. <Feeling pretty good about myself right now. Especially since I don’t have nearly the walk-of-shame hairstyle Cindy’s got going on.>

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