Communication Confusion

Several months ago, I was enjoying a lovely large glass of wine with several fellow mamas while upwards of 20 sub-3-year-olds ran wild around us. (They were mostly the reason us moms had the wine.) Suddenly a rogue toddler broke from the pack, marched up to a mom-like woman, and began babbling.

“Sorry sweetie,” said the nice lady. “I don’t speak toddler.”

Another nice lady (also not the guardian of this particular tiny person) jumped up. “Don’t worry, I’ll go get another little bowl of popcorn for him.” She turned and patted the mumbling communicator on the head. “And if I see your mommy, I’ll tell her to bring out your red Elmo blanket.”

Those of us not yet accustomed to talkative tots were dumbfounded. How long will it take for ME to learn this amazing language – a little known tongue that prevents tantrums and meltdowns. There is no Rosetta Stone for this; I’ve looked.

You see, well-intentioned people have been asking for months if the muppets are talking. Short answer – yup, they’ve been talking for months. But here’s the rub: We cannot yet understand them.

Search will chatter away blithely, pausing in all the appropriate places to wait for a response. “What is WRONG with you people?! That is NOT what I asked.”

It seems that before the ability to string together sentences, one must first comprehend individual words. Yet before we old-timers, who take language for granted, will ever understand those words, the wee ones need to figure out how to manipulate both consonants and vowels – together.

So. I figured I would help out. Below are some of the initial translations I have deciphered.

• Ah Ah Ah: I am very happy right now. I LOVE EVERYONE AND EVERYONE LOVES ME. Yay life.
• Uuu – P: Excuse me? Hello? Is anyone paying attention to me right now? I am awake! Up. Up. Up. No, that doesn’t seem to be working? Down. Down. Down. YO! Pick. Me. Up.
• Da da dadada: Daddy. I want Daddy. He’s way more fun than whoever is pathetically trying to entertain me right now. Also, he might have crackers.
• DnceDNCE: Dance baby, dance! Where my ladies at? KISSES FOR EVERYONE. Headbanging and drop horse moves to come. LET’S ROCK!
• Mmmo: <while frantically bringing pinched hands together> More. Do that again. But mostly, I’m hungry.
• Mmmmmmak: Will you please hand me my sippy cup of milk? I don’t really want anything to drink, but I plan to hurl it back across the room. Then I’ll scream for you to fetch it again.
• Ma ma ma ma: Mommy!!! Am I in trouble? I’d like to cuddle, please. Hold me.
• Og: Doggie! Haha, these furry creatures are so much fun. Also, goats, cats, pigs and horses. Maybe I’ll bite him.
• Bloon: Balloons are magical fun. (See video below.)
• Kss: Kisses. Sure, I may be a little big flirt, but who doesn’t want a kiss from someone as adorable as me. <Wink, eyelash bat>
• Duh: I am done. I do not want anymore of this food. In case me waving my arms across my plate is not clear enough, I will fling everything on my tray to the floor. DONE. Finished. Complete. See? All clear.
• Bopbopbop: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about what I’m doing… I’m just gonna push my motorcycle over here. I’ll ride it – I may climb on it. Really, this should be no concern of yours.
• AAAIIiiiiiiiiii: I am displeased. Very much so displeased. I shall now launch myself at the nearest target in need of lopsided teeth-marks.
• Ball: Hey Dad, wanna have a catch?