Why My Kids Will One Day Tell Their Therapist Mommy Never Loved Them

Happy Valentine’s Day.

This holiday isn’t really my cup of tea. Sweethearts taste like chalk and the over-abundance of cherry-flavored lollipops remind me of children’s medicine. Overpriced wilted roses and an exorbitantly priced prix-fixe menu with funny foods I don’t understand. (Give me a summer ballgame with a Dodger dog any day.)

I mean really, a day should not have so much pressure attached to it – especially when it doesn’t even come with a day off work! I do like the chocolate though. I would be happy to share yours.

Romantic overtones aside, I am apparently also expected to use this day to express my undying adoration for my children in a way that would make Martha Stewart look like, well, me.

Cool Mom Picks recently posted 6 Valentine’s Day lunchbox ideas made with extra love.

Heart carved apple.
Well this just has danger written all over it. Setting aside my artistic inabilities, this little project would end with Bleeding Love. I can just picture the incident report, “Preschool recommends parents not fatally stab fruit in an attempt to demonstrate affection. Toddler classmates can probably carve a better heart.”

Heart sandwich.
Wait. Cutting off the crusts is an actual thing? Sprinkles are the edible version of glitter. Edible glitter in little sugar-bombed containers. Now, the muppets have yet to eat a sandwich all sandwich like. Mostly they tear pieces apart and fling them. Although, this may be a fabulous idea when they’re a bit older – as I have no doubt a crustless sprinkled sandwich would absolutely mortify them.

Valentine’s Day lunchbox
Are you kidding me? First off, this is breakfast. The muppets do not care what shape the pancake is as they clench the dough in one fist while shoving bites into their mouth with the other. I am not cutting out heart shapes with scissors; the batter makes interesting enough shapes on its own from where I fling it on the griddle. And those petite perfect pastel heart shaped melon bits? Those look like a choking hazard.

Bread love letter
Bread + rolling pin. Oh good. I’ll have their sandwich looking like the muppets made it themselves. No really Child Protective Services, I really do prepare them lunch. It’s supposed to be a love letter!

Valentine’s Day fruit pop
Annnd, we’re back to blood. I have only recently figured out how to cut a kiwi in half AND peel it so that some fruit remains. Adding additional sharp objects would just be a poor life choice. It’s all I can do to not puree the berries and fruit before smooshing them into (large) labeled ziplock baggies for the next days lunch. Guess what. None of those baggies come tied with individual ribbons. Most of the time I can’t even get the Ziplock double seal to stick.

Heart shaped egg
Hard to make scrambled hearts. And them’s the only type of eggs I can kind of sort of make. Well, except for when I forget to mix the eggs with milk and absent-mindedly drop the egg directly onto the skillet. Then I make a mean burned egg. But not to worry – I totally know where the fire extinguisher is located.

You know – perhaps I’ll just continue to indulge the repetitive demand for MORE CRACKER and some additional cuddle time. And then I’ll buy them a box of See’s.