AlliOSNews Does Not Live in a Pineapple Under the Sea


Did you know I actually work with Clinton from AlliOSNews in my real life? Yup. But he lives in the U.K. I live in Silicon Valley (the motherland (Steveland?) of the Infinite Apple Loop cult). And a couple weeks ago, Clinton visited us yankees during a business trip to our company’s corporate headquarters.

To properly integrate him back into stateside culture, we took Clinton to a baseball game, and later in the week – we dined at the hotspot of overindulgence largesse, The Cheesecake Factory. (Bazinga!)

Naturally, I was under no delusions that my friend was excited to visit with me – he has to deal with enough of my work emails/requests/explain-what-we do-again messages on a daily basis. He wanted to chat it up with the tiny celebrities of this blog – Search and Destroy.

Because who wouldn’t.

Over individual entrees that would serve the entire Manchester United football team, and of course cheesecake (Adam’s Peanut Butter Cup for me), I wished Clinton farewell and a safe journey back to Britain.

Destroy: Are we going home now?
Me: Yes, sweetie.
Search: Is Clinton going to his home?
Clinton: Well, kind of. I’m going to my hotel now. Then tomorrow I’m going to get on a plane and fly over the ocean to my home in …
Search and Destroy: YOU LIVE IN THE OCEAN?!
Me: Let it go. You’ve passed the point of no return.

As luck would have it, only a few short days later, the boys were treated to a showing of The Little Mermaid.

Destroy: Look! Princess Ariel lives in the ocean like Mommy’s friend Clinton!

And here I made the rookie mistake of trying to explain reality to a 3-year-old.

See – Clinton doesn’t live in the ocean. And he doesn’t live in a castle.

(Not actually the ocean either.)

(Not actually the ocean either.)


<at work>
Clinton: …I know, my home office window looks right over the Windsor Castle walls…
One of our Coworkers: You know, some of us are cube dwellers. We’re not all cool enough to live next to a castle.

Well…yes, he lives *next* to a castle.

Well…yes, he lives *next* to a castle.


I pulled up Facebook to show the boys that Clinton lived in a house just like us. Here I shall disclose another personal secret about Clinton. His beautiful wife has red hair.

Search: Look! Mommy’s friend lives in the ocean with Princess Ariel!

I let it go. We were past the point of no return. Let’s just be glad Clinton lives in a royal palace as opposed to a pineapple. (And I’m sure my dapper friend much prefers his tailored suits to ill-fitting square pants.)

Several days later, as I wrapped up a conference call with my aquatic-dwelling colleague, I noted I would be driving down the California coast in the coming weeks. “It’s a pretty drive. I like that you can see the ocean  – sometimes the scenic beauty breaks up the monotony of the trip.”

“Great,” Clinton drolly replied. “I’ll wave.”

Because apparently geographic differentiation of continents across large bodies of water are still a bit of a complex concept for 3-year-olds.

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