Are you reading A Nervous Tic Motion Yet? You should be. I write a weekly column there – Wineconed Wednesdays. You know you want to throw some. And I would really love for you to join in!
St. Valentine was eventually imprisoned, beaten, stoned and ultimately beheaded. They don’t tell you that on the shmoopy Hallmark cards.
Chris Brown rocked his gangsta self out on the Grammys this week. How ironic that as the recording academy mourned the loss a woman whose life was marred by allegations of abuse and domestic violence, they celebrate and award a performer who beat his girlfriend on the eve of their very show three years ago. (I am not the only one with this opinion.)
That alone would seem the obvious winecone. Because…well…don’t do that.
And then I saw the Buzzfeed tweets.
Legions of girls taking to the socialsphere to proclaim that they’d gladly get beaten to be with a semi-successful lip-synching wannabe thug (subjective categorization). W.T.F. It’s as though someone has pointed their wand and screamed, “OBLIVIATE!”
Chipotle….commercial….so upset…. The ad shows cute Farmville type animals as it attempts to depict factory farming – the other dark meat the dark side to the meat industry. This commercial disturbed me to no end. Did NOT make me ever want to eat at Chipotle.
Editor’s note: In the name of research, I viewed this clip. I think I’d prefer to eat the winecones. On second thought, let’s never watch this again. Wine should be able to purge this from my memory. A “naturally farmed” (what the hell is natural farming anyway) winecone at the advertising exec who stood up and exclaimed, “Brilliant!” Let them eat vegan pinto beans cooked with bacon. (This totally happened.)
Today I’m cone tossing at the Tupperware Goblin (TG). He’s a close cousin of the well-known laundry nemesis the Sock Goblin. The TG comes into your kitchen at night and steals either the base or lid of Tupperware containers leaving you with a mish-mash of various non-functional, plastic, cancer leaching food containers. My personal belief is that the TG works for Tupperware as a Tupperware Assassin if you will, forcing us into buying more and new containers. Perhaps we should organize an Occupy Tupperware movement and toss cones their way? – CubicleViews
Editor’s note: Easy solution. Pack them closed – lids and containers together. Oh wait. I’ve tried this. They dissaperate freely as soon as the cupboard closes. Curses! Someday, someone will fire a winecone, ultimately triggering a portal that will transport us to a land of mismatched lids and lonely socks. You ever wonder if those single shoes lying along the highway are spies from the other realm? (Also, Lids and Lonely Socks would be a great band name.)
I’d like to throw several winecones my mother-in-law’s way for undermining everything I say and do. Maybe if you also put one up her ass then the stick might fall out and she would get drunk enough so I can tolerate her. – This is Mommyhood
Editor’s note: Yeah, I can’t really come up with anything better than your idea. Winecone MILs! NB: Disclaimer – I love my husband’s mother, so cones will be curveballing around the cool ones. But just so we’re clear (time warp back to the early 90s here), reminders to mothers-in-law: NOT THE MAMA (anymore).
A giant sugary smackaroo to our NICU nurses. They were the first focus of Search and Destroy’s flirtation efforts. In honor (or even in spite) of this Hallmark holiday, we’ll never resist an opportunity to say, “Thanks for keeping our hearts beating!”
And since today is no longer officially Valentine’s Day – a kiss to all of you. See? I love, I love, I love you all. Each and every day of the year. Also, coffee. Whether a fabulous flavored cup first thing in the morning or a late afternoon pick-me-up Starbucks run. Big fan. Huge.
‘Till next week, winecones and kisses!
*Leave your Winecones in the comments or email us at firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com and we’ll add yours next week!