Redbook – Things Never to Say To a Woman at 6 a.m.

STOP THE PRESSES! (Actually, don’t stop – since they’re presently printing me.)

Drop everything and go find a copy of Redbook Magazine – March 2012 edition! RIGHT NOW. I’ll wait. (You’re looking for page 19.)

My first piece in a nationally syndicated magazine has just hit newsstands. And our words are about to be seen by a circulation of 2.2 million people. Thanks peeps! Couldn’t have been so snarky without you.

Oh. My. God.

Just before we closed out 2011, I got an email from Redbook Magazine. The editor was responsible for a monthly segment called “Mommy Blogger Soundoff” and was wondering if I’d be willing to take on the assignment for the March 2012 issue.

So, I did what any professional writer/blogger would do. I quickly and calmly replied to my new editor saying I would be thrilled to participate along with a few questions for clarifications.

Ha ha. We all know that’s not what happened. I opened and closed the note approximately 72 times and then skipped around grinning like an idiot. I may have spontaneously hugged strangers. My attention span toward anything else rivaled that of my toddler’s until I met my deadline.

I proudly present to you:

Redbook “Mommy Blogger Sound-off: Things Never To Say To A Woman…At 6a.m.
15 quippy one-liners that would drive anyone crazy when said at that hour

Below is the extended list developed during consideration.

1. You look tired.
2. How ‘bout a morning quickie?
3. Want to go for a run?
4. So that’s what you really look like.
5. Forgot to tell you, my parents are coming over for dinner this evening.
6. The toilet is angry and appears to have exploded – or at least overflowed. A little help please?
7. Coffee machine appears to be broken.
8. Your turn to deal with the baby.
9. Toaster’s on fire, again.
10. Did one of the kids throw up in our bed last night?
11. You’re seriously wearing that?
12. We’re going to need to go to the ER now.
13. Uh oh…
14. Are you sleeping?
15. Thanks for taking the time to join our conference call.
16. Good news – the fire extinguisher works as advertised.
17. It’s not my fault.
18. Mommmmmmmmmmyyyyyyy
19. What’s for dinner?
20. How’d you get the black eye? (Those are dark circles.)
21. Go check on the kids, I’m still sleeping.
22. You look better with makeup on.
23. You smell poop?
24. Happy Monday!
25. Hi. <smack> Hi. <smack>
26. Your boobs look great, how soon before we can have another kid?
27. You should be able to go back inside your unit in a week’s time. We hope to have the windows repaired and gas and water back by then.
28. This is the Chief at the NICU. We need to discuss urgent treatment for your son.
29. Good Morning! Arm please – I’m here to draw blood and take vitals.
30. You don’t mind me flying the RC helicopter in our room do you?
31. How come you don’t wear sexy stuff to bed anymore?
32. I think you should start working out again.
33. Cuddling with the dog is so comfy and warm.
34. Wow. Your body really doesn’t recover from twins.
35. Holy crap! It’s 9!

What else would get the messenger smacked at such an early hour?