Wineconed Wednesday – Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

Are you reading A Nervous Tic Motion Yet? You should be. I write a weekly column there – Wineconed Wednesdays. You know you want to throw some. And I would really love for you to join in!

I know. The holidays are over. (I’m looking at you house on my street that still has Christmas lights up. Those needed to be taken down weeks ago.) But. Well. See – my grandma passed away this week. I’m not going to winecone that because I actually do understand the ($#*&#@!) circle of life concept.

(For the record, I’m not being totally irreverent with this week’s edition. That was her favorite Christmas carol. I am not making this up.)

The details of death are the devil. So let’s get throwing.

This is pretty obvious. I’m wineconing cancer this week. Cancer. It’s just a scary word – no matter how much fight you have within you. And watching loved ones suffer is no better. So a great big magical glittery (despite my intense glitter loathing) that will make everything better.

Expecto Winecone Patronum!


Smart keys. I think the battery is dying on my new-fangled button fob. So I’m standing outside in the frigid morning air (yes, I’m a California girl – 40 is freaking cold people) pointing and parrying with the car like a crazy Target commercial woman. “OPEN. OPEN. OPEN.”

Editor’s note: You know, if you just fire a winecone at the window, you can just bust open a window and viola! Into the car. Or move to Hawaii. You’ll be warmer arguing with the machinery there.


A big hugeass winecone for husbands that set double standards, get on your case for staying up late to read when they stay up all night “cause they feel like it” to play stupid video games on their damn computer. Man complains of headaches, drinks 2 liters of soda all day and says his memory is bad. Get some sleep dumbass! Sigh.

Editor’s note: Winecone him right in the temple. He’ll pass right out. While you’re practicing your aim, here’s a technical winecone red ring of death right at the video gaming system.

Navy Seals are Bad. Ass. The news has just informed that Navy SEALs stealthily air-dropped into Somalia, approaching the location of an American and Danish hostage like angels of death. Nine kidnappers dead. Two safe hostages. Seriously – Bad. Ass. Smackaroo.

Gotta get shmoopy here for a moment. A kiss to friends and family. Take a moment today and hug someone you care about.

‘Till next week, winecones and kisses!

*Leave your Winecones in the comments or email us at and we’ll add yours next week!

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