Feel (Find or Fear) the Teal

We’re a baseball family – bleeding Dodger blue and/or enjoying Green Collar baseball. (Different leagues. Don’t judge me.) But one of the muppets little friends had himself a San Jose Sharks hockey party today.

Now taking the ice: No. 2, Jackson Sawyer.

Sounds like fun. Now where can I find muppet-sized SJ Sharks gear to show our spirit? I had a brilliant thematic idea. I was going to obtain a Couture toddler jersey. (For those of you – like me – not in the hockey know, Destroy Couture is one of the Sharks stars. And Destroy is a great name for a superstar.)

Turns out – they don’t exist. And I was soon to find that no Sharks gear existed for tiny tots. Apparently the 1-3 set is not the club’s target audience. What? Is ice hockey concerned with the ability to walk before one can skate?

• Target. Newborn onesies. (Crazy to think both muppets could have once fit in a single teal Future Fan snap-up.)
• Winners. It’s a sports store. Or rather, it’s a San Francisco Giants sports store. With hats for other teams. Except the Sharks.
• Sports Authority. The clerk happily pointed out the youth section. I happily pointed out that I could cinch their “Youth Small” with a belt to make for a fabulous black and teal dress. “Yeah…they run large…” apologized the sales guy. Clearly.
• SJSharks.com. The team website – you’d think this would be the obvious choice. You would be wrong. One goalie in training option or a 2-4T $50 jersey – which both muppets would presently fit into.
• Amazon. Bibs.
• Google. Bibs, onesies, and “Youth” clothing. Oh. My. God. If Google doesn’t have it, it doesn’t exist.

Dammit. Now this mission was personal.

Then, during the pre-game skate (or the day before the party when we ended up out to acquire Jackson’s gift), I was perusing the kid baseball gloves as a fitting gift.

“Hockey party, Trish. Hockey. That is a baseball glove,” Jon reminded me. (He can call me that. We’re there.) Fair point. But I was still disgruntled that hockey hates toddlers.

But I gave it one last-ditch effort. At Sports Fever at THE MALL. I asked if they had Couture jerseys. They laughed at me. But they did point me to a clearance rack, where shoved in among the itty-bitty onesies and biggest “Youth” sizes I’ve ever seen, were two (TWO!) San Jose Sharks shirts in a size 2-T. Lo and behold.

THEY DO EXIST!

Game time was 11 a.m. The birthday boy’s house was transformed into a hockey rink. Sharks vs. Kings played on the big screen and the rear of the rink was flanked by a giant shark bouncy house.

Taste the Teal.

Every the calorie-burning growing athlete, Destroy (Stream not Couture) sat his little tushy down and began consuming pizza. While Jackson tried to sneak a sip of his grandmother’s bloody mary, my not-so-little man ate three entire grown-up slices of pizza. I stared at him agape.

And when I turned back, he had stolen two giant strawberries. He put those puppies down while eyeing me with an expression that said, “What? I wanted them.”

Then he requested a puck.

At least, we’re gonna go with puck since there were Oreo’s labeled as such and I prefer that to the alterative – which would be a repetition of AuntJ’s proclamation that she lives in “Bumfuck Nowhere.”

Oreo’s instead of naptime. Because that seemed like a good idea. At least he instinctually twisted the cookie and licked the frosting. Smart kid.

“Hey everyone! Someone’s here to see the little ones.”

Sharkie was at the party!

An adult-sized stuffed shark in moonboots (er, skates?) biting the heads of all the parents. Why on earth would any child be afraid? The muppets were terrified. BEYOND terrified. I almost felt bad for laughing.

Terror in the tank.

Almost.

We left at the start of the muppet meltdown period. They’re sleeping clutching their very first toddler-sized hockey sticks. Maybe we’ll take them to a game sometime.

And someone tell the NHL they’ve got an untapped market out there.