“Mr. Stream? Do you have a moment to chat with me in my office?” the preschool principal began as she approached Jon after drop-off on Monday.
Because that’s not even remotely foreboding to get called to the principal’s office that way. Oh god – the muppets were getting expelled. (Please never underestimate my ability to jump to the worst possible conclusion. Every. Time. It’s a gift.) Continue reading
Naptime hadn’t gone so well. The natives were getting restless in the living room. So we ventured forth into the great outdoors and headed toward the park.
Sadly, our local neighborhood corner park was infested by middle-school-age heathens – who thought it was just hilarious to stuff themselves into the bucket swings and squeeze down the toddler slides. Continue reading
The boys want nothing to do with the potty. Rather they seem to be quite enamored with going through 3,000 diapers per year.
So we ordered books. (Because heretoforth those “What To Expect” how-to guides have always served us so well…) Continue reading
Fairy tales will have you believe that adroit parents simply put their offspring to bed and retire to enjoy the peace and quiet of adult time.
The plan:
HOGWASH! Continue reading
Did you all have a nice weekend? We had a Superbowl Party. I won’t lie. It did turn in to a bit of a Bacchanalian fracas.
It was supposed to be a nice chill, laid back afternoon. Jon invited a couple friends over; I did the same. Jon set about preparing mozzarella meatball sliders, I focused on the important course of the meal – carrot cake and peanut butter brownies. It was a gluten-free bonanza, yo! (Lookitmee, all domestic-like.) Continue reading
I get this question a lot. The truth is I have no idea. We don’t know anything other than energy-intensive twin boys. JUST DO IT! <Nike swoosh. ©>
However, this response typically elicits a sympathetic pity smile.
So. The reality: Continue reading
I have a swollen nose and can’t tell if those dark lines under my eyes are dark circles or black eyes.
Last week I was head-butted by a toddler trying to get a better view of Papa in the iPad. Homeboy made CONTACT; it was a direct hit to my nose. I heard a crack. I saw stars. I tasted blood. I felt as though I’d just received a full body blow from one of the boys’ beloved Big Trucks. Continue reading
School’s back in session. The clean crisp notebooks are just beginning to show stress on those wire binds. The intoxicating scent of ink bleeding into the pulpy pages still emanates every time you hear that magical crack of a textbook spine. And Bic has even made a special pen – just for my fairer sex! (Oh read the comments. You won’t be disappointed.
What’s that? Kids these days don’t take pen to paper and read Chapters 1-3 of the state approved textbook (copyright 1992)? GET OFF MY LAWN.
It’s Friday. And when I was a young whippersnapper, that generally meant a pop quiz. Inconceivable! Continue reading
The boys are learning to swim. They’ve been water babies since their first dunking in the NICU tub (which was the size of a legal pad of paper). Destroy has recently taken to attempting the breaststroke in the bathtub (when not soaking everything and everyone in his hurricane path). Legend has it, Search turned down popsicles in Summer School in favor of water play.
So naturally, being mother of the year, Safety First!
Our budding little Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte got signed up for swim lessons. Continue reading
When I was 15 I knew everything. (And, let me tell you, I could roll my eyes with Olympic Gold caliber toward anyone who displeased me.)
My how the mighty have fallen.
These days I pretend to be an adult while making shit up as I go. A parent responsible for raising to two not-so-tiny anymore toddlers. I haven’t a clue as to what I’m doing.
(The culprit was the kid in the kitchen with the smart-ass mouth? Get it? Clue humor?) Continue reading
