10 People You Meet at a Baseball Game

Baseball Fan

You know you’ve seen them all. Any additions?

Bleacher Creature
By far the most common character, Bleacher Creatures are relegated to – you guessed it – the bleachers. They’ll be a well-known fixture of team spirit with signs, drums, and secret dance moves for specific players. They encourage and embrace new Creatures; but for the love of a freshly mowed field, don’t approach unless you’re a diehard yourself.

Business Guy
This guy (may also come in gal form) is there to be SEEN. They may or may not have any clue as to what’s occurring on the field below. Even if a fan, they’re not watching the game. They’re noshing on gourmet fare and foreign beers up in a suite. The slightly bemused casually dressed person Business Guy is glommed onto can be assumed to be a potential or prospective customer.

Drunk Moron
character thinks nothing of downing as many $8 beers as possible. Plus one. Because who needs to remember a game when there’s beer! YEAH BRAH! Watch your feet – the Drunk Moron is often intoxicated enough to pee at your feet. He’s also hitting on every female in site (albeit with special attention to the beer vendors).

Drunk Woo Girl
She is the female version of the Drunk Moron. But they’re not often seen together. Drunk Woo Girl has had approximately three beers and one pretzel. (Omigawd – carbs!) You can find her draped over barriers screaming “WOOOOO” in no particular direction and no particular moment in the game. She has no firm team allegiance, just a fine appreciation for those wearing baseball pants.

Jersey Chaser
This character will squeal over a Rookie A-ball player batting .143. Jersey Chaser can be found at a major league ballpark wearing a pastel t-shirt version of the team’s colors – with PINK emblazoned across her chest, giggling and with a beer. These girls typically come in pairs. Unlike Drunk Woo Girl’s appreciation for the baseball pants, Jersey Chaser simply wants in them.

This character does not believe in sunscreen. Lobster can be found wearing jorts and a tucked-in wife beater. On hot game days, he is bright red with second-degree burns caused by the sun and reflection off plastic stadium seats. On cold game nights Lobster will be wearing the same outfit. But more reminiscent of a pre-cooked blue lobster as their body tries to pull heat from the exterior sunburn.

Long-time Fan
Wrinkled and crinkled, I have my suspicions that Long-time Fan was a Lobster in their youth. This character has attended every home game since their team moved into the stadium. steadfastly keeping score the old-fashioned way. You can notice Long-time Fan by the memorabilia adorning their person, topped with a hat marked with a pin to commemorate every playoff appearance. Fiercely loyal to their team and season tickets, Long-time fan likely has their actual seats from a ballpark renovation in their living room – for away games of course.

This character believes it is his personal mission to bestow the energy to perform upon the players, while distracting the opponents. With amped vocal cords tuned to 11 (because that is one more than the din of stadium 10), Loudmouth’s vocabulary consists primarily of “THAT’S RIGHT [player name]! GOOD EYE” “YOU SUCK. YOU’RE A BUM!” and “GOOD GAME GUYS – HEY UMP YOU SHOULD TRY WATCHING IT!”

Opponent Fan
The most obvious character, Opponent Fan will be clad in the home team’s rival paraphernalia. They can be found wandering the stadium bleating about their superiority, sometimes sincerely concerned for the well being of humanity in that not everyone supports their team. They are most noticeable when their team is outperforming the home team. (When Opponent Fan combines with Drunk Moron, they are often seen in the company of law enforcement.)

Star Struck Little Leaguer
The cutest of the characters – this person is typically between the ages of 8-10. They’ll be in uniform, likely a t-shirt with a team name like “LEGAL BEAGLES” silkscreened across the back. With a hat slightly too large and knocked askew, the Star Struck Little Leaguer can be found precariously perching over the dugout wall clutching a ball and Sharpie in one hand because they refuse to take their glove off the other. Their attention can only be diverted by the Cotton Candy vendor. And with that much sugar, all bets are off.



Filed under Miscellaneous, Sports

8 Responses to 10 People You Meet at a Baseball Game

  1. JBunny

    Here in Cardinal Nation, I would add one- Female Fans Ignored by FSN and ESPN
    We don’t want blinged out jerseys or pastels- give us vivid Cardinal red and October baseball! We cheer, even for opposing players, when they play well, not because they are hotties. We have a thing for squirrels. We can discuss managerial strategies better than those drunk wankers trying to start the wave behind us in the bleachers. We still hate Don Denkinger. We do not approve of designated hitters. We genuinely mourned Stan the Man. Yet ESPN markets to men like we don’t exist, and FSN wants us to be “Fox Sports Girls.” All y’all can bite my pennant, and I’ll see you in the green seats! GO CARDS!
    (PS I will confess that our manager is rather fun to watch in his snug baseball pants…)

    • You are clearly awesome. Obviously I prefer Dodger blue. But will I cheer for the Cards when they’re playing well? It’s all about good baseball. Readers: Please raise your daughters like this.

  2. Paul

    The Arm Candy – this is a mix of a few of yours, but they are the chicks who go to the game and get to sit in the good seats because of their sugar daddies. They have a Dodgers Coach purse and lots of bedazzled stuff.

    • Steph

      The Lucky Duck – this is a very lucky/loved man who has a wife/girlfriend/sugar mamma who indulges in dugout seats for her and her man. 🙂

  3. Nancy Welker Caracciolo

    One of my favorite Dodger Game memories…I took Grandma Colaianni (my Mom’s Mom) to a Saturday day game. Luckily our seats were in shaded lodge level. “Loudmouth” combined with “Opponent Fan” and toss in “Smoking Obnoxious Stoogie” and “Too Large for Seat” was blocking our view for much of the game. 7th inning Stretch: L-OF-SOS-TLFS stood up and his pants fell down! The look on my Grandma’s face = priceless! L-OF-SOS-TLFS stayed in his seat and didn’t utter a peep for the rest of the game.
    2nd favorite Dodge memory: Attending with Aunt Joanne who is “On First Name Basis with Team” and we spent a great deal of time by bull-pen and dug-out.

  4. Joanne Hamann

    Hey now – I’m proud of my stalker status – We can’t all get to know the big guys, after all. How about the high school teenager friend who used to shout “YOU’RE NOT LEAVING, ARE YOU?????” to anyone she saw heading up the aisle after the 7th inning. Scary!

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