What Not to Wear


In order to prevent an early morning tantrum, I acquiesced to the 3-year-old demands to pick out *my* outfit. Then I had to go to work. This is my story.


Search: Mommy, I need to help you.
Me: Ok sweetie, go put on pants and you can help me with my makeup.

<It was 6:15 a.m. I was on autopilot. I finished hair and makeup while Jon debated the benefits of pants with muppets.>

Search: Mommy! You didn’t wait for me!
Me: <In a desperate bid to avoid an early morning meltdown> Um… how about you help me pick out my outfit instead?
Search: Ok! Yes!

I misjudged the seriousness and dedication with which he would undertake such a task – Especially for someone who had so recently and voraciously vetoed the mere concept of pants.

Search thoughtfully opened my closet and peered in. Initially, he selected a primary yellow pencil skirt, instructing, “You wear this.”

So far, so good.

Next he pulled at the sleeve of a gray and seafoam-green polka-dotted sweater. I was a bit concerned about the sweater given the recent swarm of 80+ degree days. And, I do generally huddle in my cube at work next to the soothing hum of my space heater. But I wasn’t sold on this particular sweater/skirt combo. It was rather…loud.

Me: I think I need to wear pants today. See? We all have to wear pants.
Search: Ok. You need to wear polka dots, though.
<I pulled out a pair of jeans I thought would go well with the sweater and my trademark heels.>
Search: No! Mommy those not match! You wear these. <He handed me my white jeans. Labor Day laws be damned. Also, refer back to prior weather reference.> You wear these with the polka dots. *Those* polka dots.

I was going to get through this exercise unscathed, sharply clad and with happy kiddos!

Jon: I hope you saved something. Destroy is starting to freak out that he needs to help too.


Me: Um…Can you help me pick out my shoes, Destroy?

Suddenly there was a blurry flash to my left. Skidding into my closet was a muppet on a mission. FIND THE SHOES. He began rifling through the piles on the ground, which was cause for some concern as all of my heels are hung in pairs against the closet door. (I have a lot of shoes ok?)

He reappeared a minute later holding my gray ballet flats. “I find the match for you.” Not yet satisfied, however, the little man marched directly over to the jewelry drawer and pulled out a turquoise triple strand necklace and my white sports watch.

“You need to match,” he repeated.

I now believe Destroy firmly believes my inability to match is a true character flaw.

So I affixed my accessories only to be sternly rebuked once more. “No! The necklace is inside out!” (I still have not figured out how this is possible, but Search and Destroy both huddled to remedy the potential crisis situation.)

I think Clinton and Stacy from TLC’s What Not to Wear would actually approve of my outfit today. Which, considering the advice came from two individuals are generally found in mis-matched wrong-sized clothes of their own, is pretty impressive. (And doesn’t say much from their mother who still dresses them. Usually.)


Today’s Stylists:

Search – Constantly observing his environment or playing with trucks, when in pants Search can most often be found in size 3T white basketball shorts, with neon green stripes, that fall approximately to his ankles. With a twist to befit a mother not yet ready to buy two separate sized wardrobes for him and his brother, the size 2T young man has taken a modern approach to tailoring and wears the elastic waistband on his shorts in a rolled down bunch. T-shirts are an afterthought and worn after a wrestling match because “YES YOU HAVE TO WEAR CLOTHES OUTSIDE.” Search firmly believes boxer briefs count as pants.

Destroy – Able to destroy and upend everything in his path, Destroy actually holds his appearance in high regard. Preferred outfits include khaki cargo pants and a collared shirt. Such stylings are often accessorized with a smart baseball cap, cape and the occasional Spiderman mask. When the day calls for a more t-shirt casual appearance, Destroy will opt for the Batman shirt and can be found by the door proclaiming, “I’M BATMAN!” For special occasions (such as after school), he prefers to relax in the big blue monster costume.


Filed under Fashion

3 Responses to What Not to Wear

  1. From what I can tell, it’s a fabulous outfit! Send them to Minneapolis (bring mom for drinks) wardrobe crises are the life I lead! PS – I’ve been a terrible blog follower lately so this is the first I’m seeing of your new layout. It’s beautiful!

    • Thanks! And I’ll totally forgive your lack of blog reading due to your job since we had the potty training day from hell the other day. And I arrived home to find HAND SANITIZER!!! Please carry on with that 😉

  2. Joanne Hamann

    love it – they’re welcome to come up here and pick for me too (I KNOW I have no where near the #of shoes you do). GG would be very proud – it does have to match, you know.

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