New Year’s Resolutions I’ll Break Before February

It’s been another blink and you missed it year. (Go back and read the Annual Christmas Letter if you blinked.) The end of the calendar year is really a random point in the circle around the sun for us to reset.

How many people asked you about your New Year’s Resolutions? For the most part, my family has stopped asking. (Well, really – they spend a majority of year round smiling and nodding at me.) They pretty much figure that I’ve got enough of a stubborn streak in me that if I decide something will be done, DAMMIT I WILL HAVE MY WAY. (Insert smile and nod here.)

So, as we throw out last year’s desk calendar and prepare for a fresh start, here are the top New Year’s resolutions I’ll break before the inaugural month is out.

• Take back my house.
  Who needs to wait for spring? My dream has always been to someday park my car in the garage. I realize that will never happen, so instead I’ve come up with new ideas. It’s time to clear out the clutter and redesign the bedroom (I’m thinking yellow).

Come February: I’ll have one meticulously clean shelf and a giant pile on the floor from where I took everything down and got bored. (Ooh, shiny object!) Jon will have hidden the 37 yellow paint samples I procured and banned me from Home Depot.

• Complete my crafts.
  This has potential. In a time long before the muppets own, I used to crochet and scrapbook. (How very Etsy of me, I know.) I have all kinds of ideas of what I could make! And Santa even brought me yarn.

Come February: The teal sweater will remain half stitched. The muppets will have thrown all the photos on the floor and stickered all the walls with my “It’s a Boy!” collection. (I didn’t say I was going to be anywhere near current.) And someone will be the lucky recipient of a very fluffy red scarf as I hide my hooks once finding the muppets jousting.

• Get in kick-ass shape.
  I’ve got grandiose plans to work out more and eat right. I’ve heard running can become addicting, so the treadmill beckons. I want abs. Junk food is my kryptonite so perhaps I will learn how to cook wholesome, healthy, homemade meals. (Ideally without uttering any version of the phrase, “Good news! Fire extinguisher works as advertised.) I’ll put down the bread and drink more water. And then I’ll run some more – in search of that legendary runner’s high.

Come February: I’ll have a Big Mac and fries please. Who’s idiotic idea was it to sign up for a half-marathon? That’s 13.1 miles people! I don’t care if Mickey Mouse is wearing a tuxedo at the finish line…

• Complete my manuscript.
  Someday I will be a real writer. When I grow up I want to be Dave Barry (or the Bloggess). But in the meantime I love each and every one of you reading this blog <HUG>. I’ll be spending January finalizing the draft of my memoir and sending out query letters. (Psst, hey agents – stay tuned for tomorrow’s sneak peek.)

Come February: Bring it rejection letters! The New York Times Bestseller list looms large.

• Be less stressed.
  I’ll take more time for myself. I’ll read every last book on my list – and more yet to be discovered. I’ll enjoy all the mundane moments more and sit serenely in a more Zen-like state. I’ll spend time doing nothing. I could even take up yoga.

Come February: Stop laughing.

• Stop making promises to myself that “someday.”
  Some may say dreams die young, but I still believe.

Come February: I’ll still be dreaming. I’ll have even more ideas. Because I’m going after it all. Also, there will be chocolate. And wine.