Run…Amuck

Do. Not. Like. Daylight Savings. Time change = bad.

Disclaimer: This post is not for the feint of heart. Also, I am well aware that the following is likely the result of my own actions. However, for the sake of consistency, we’re going to blame the time change.

I ran the Nike Women’s Marathon in 2008. It seemed like a good idea – curing cancer and all, via Team in Training. Mostly I decided if my AARP qualifying father and godfather could run a marathon, I could too. So I coerced my sister-in-law to join this ingenious adventure. “It’ll be FUN, Steph!” I insisted. Naturally, she sprinted past the finish line, qualifying for the Boston Marathon (on her first run – ever) several hours before I stumbled across.

(Also, I was teased with the prospect of firemen in tuxedos handing out Tiffany necklaces as runners crossed the finish line. FYI for future runners – you will not care about the dapper public safety servants with pastel blue boxes after 26.2 miles.)

Destroy woke up at 5 a.m. today. “Let’s eat, Mom!” (Stupid time change.)

After several hours and breakfast No. 2, I realized we really needed to get out of the house or I was going to pass out on the floor. I know! We should go for a run. Destination: Grocery store to get brownie mix (and possibly milk and other healthy sustenance, but mostly brownies.)

It seemed like a good idea. You’d think I would have learned my lesson by now. You would be wrong.

I changed the muppets’ diapers and darted upstairs to grab running clothes for me, and stylish day duds for Search and Destroy. (Fuzzy footie jammies just don’t cry out “cool.”) I pulled the jogging stroller out of the garage – it’s been a while since the whole jogging thing…

In the days pre-muppet, the decision to force myself to run was enacted in five minutes by putting on my shoes. Today it involves a 45-minute prep period to get the boys bundled and stroller all set up.

I looked down and noticed fluff surrounding me. I looked past the mountainous innards of a stuffed animal to see what the muppets were doing – they were bouncing on the treadmill. I began to investigate; I am saddened to say no body has yet been found. I will keep you posted should a de-comfluffing stuffed animal shell wash ashore. (Scout and Cooper are still under suspicion as well.)

Then I noticed the diaper.

Shit.

Toddler mom rule No. 2 (right behind don’t let the toddler stick his finger in an electrical socket): Do not leave a poopy diaper unsupervised near an adventurous toddler.

The muppets were exceedingly interested in their newfound texture. Finger-painted poop prints dotted the floor, the end table (the one Search keeps getting stuck in), the treadmill. Damnit. Destroy.

And ALL OVER LOGAN’S FACE.

My son ate poop. POOP, people – he ate poop.

I grabbed a wipe to start decontaminating. Ew! It was one of the wipes liberated from the aforementioned dirty diaper.

(Ew. Gross. Disgusting. Icky make it go away dance around the living room.) Clearly this was a result from lack of sleep due to the confounded time change.

I stuffed two hysterically hyper muppets into the jogger and headed out for two miles of fresh air. We procured our Betty Crocker brownie mix (this is as Susie-homemaker as I get, folks) and trudged back home – in the rain and a flat tire on the stroller. It was fitting.

(Ok fine. It may have been just a drizzle. But the imagery stands. “We walked kerthumped home in a slight mist just doesn’t do the mood justice.)

This morning’s adventures were the perfect introduction to the afternoon refusal to nap, which culminated in non-stop screaming (I am not making this up) from 2 p.m. through 7 p.m. (Search then yanked all the blankets off the couch and made a little nest for himself. “Can I make myself any clearer? TIRED MUPPET!”)

I told you so.

My plan was to write a post about the disturbing origins of fairy tales and eat my pan of brownies. Suddenly they don’t seem so appetizing any more…

9 Comments

Filed under Destroy, Home, Humor

9 Responses to Run…Amuck

  1. I JUST WROTE ABOUT THIS!!! Today! I HATE the time change! Hate it! (Is that enough exclamation points?)

    I don’t even have young kids anymore and I still hate it with a passion. I think I hate it more than the witch that got me fired last year. And that’s a LOT.

    Why don’t they stop this madness? I mean, Arizona and Hawaii, for God’s sake! Come on sheeple – let’s rise up and let them know how stupid the whole lose an hour/gain an hour thing is.

  2. Holly

    That was my favorite post on any blog ever ever ever since the beginning of all time. Was Destroy smiling with poop in his mouth?
    Pass the brownies.

    • I’m sure she’s flattered that a post that began with a picture of her and acclaim for her running ability ended in the consumption of poop by her nephew…hahaha

  3. granpastavo

    whats sofunny about all this? are we not in a green [in this case brown ha ha ha ] recyclable generation? love gpa stavo

  4. Joanne Hamann

    I’m with Janet.

    Double ew. Double yuck!

    And Uncle Mark says, “TMI!”

  5. Pingback: Great Band Names (and other things I never thought I’d say) | Stream of the Conscious

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