5:25
Curse at whoever came up with the terribad idea of parallel parking. Repeatedly thank deities it wasn’t required on the driving exam or you wouldn’t be able to drive tiny peoples to T-ball practice.
5:28
Encourage tiny peeps to RUN RUN RUN across the field to join their team for practice. But not through the middle of the big kids game in progress…
5:29
Realize the magnitude of fashion faux pas of wearing your business casual work attire, including heels, to the ballpark. Squish. Squish. Squish. Aerate that field!
5:30
Practice officially begins.
5:31
Look around the field. Wonder where everyone is. Double-check date and time. Spy a glimpse of additional tiny Royals approaching from on far.
5:35
Coach gathers wee ones into a huddle. Instructs all to yell HOTDOG on the count of three. Explain concept of “count of three.” Remind players three comes after two. Whatever. Yay team!
5:37
Begin warm-ups.
5:38
Watch Destroy hurl himself to the ground in a hysterical heap after taking water bottle to the sidelines. Let team know that Destroy will join practice when he feels a bit better.
5:39
Jumping jacks. Watch one little man sniper himself down with bad form. Comfort hysterical player. Coach reminds others not to jumping jack onto fallen friend.
5:40
Arm circles. Forward. Now reverse. Watch all dodge multitude of wayward (accidental) punches.
5:41
When all else fails run the kids to exhaustion. Coach decrees all ballplayers jog to the fence and back!
5:42
Look to see why team’s littlest player is lagging. Discover kid jogging with glove on left hand and right hand white-knuckle gripping the catcher’s mask. Note helmet/mask are approximate size of future catcher’s entire upper body.
5:45
Coach organizes first drill. Fielding. Assigns players positions.
5:46
Coach manually places each player in their designated position.
5:47
Coach re-places each player in their designated position.
5:48
Coach hits soft grounder to the pitcher. Alerts players to this move by yelling, “This ball’s for the pitcher!”
Pitcher watches ball run through his legs. Falls on face trying to see how far ball will continue traveling.
5:49
11 of 13 players dogpile atop one another and, allegedly, the ball.
Realize this would have been the plot of Princess and the Pea had the princess been a 4-year-old boy.
5:50
Coach prys players off one another for the next fielding drill. Realizes players 12-13 are ascending the backstop.
5:51
Attending adults remove all tiny peoples from backstop heights. Reroute all players to designated positions.
5:52
Coach yells “Ready Position!” so they get ready to alligator catch (hand coming down onto glove with ball inside). Clarifies any potential differences between alligator and crocodile catches. Assures all players that despite what Wild Kratz TV shows, in baseball, there is no difference between the reptiles.
5:53
Someone has to go potty!
5:55
Consider moving to a sunnier vantage point. Decide to remain cold because there is Wi-Fi! Reconsider said advantage upon realization that hotspot seat is directly in line with foul ball flings.
6:00
Outfielders now picking flowers for mom.
6:01
Short-stop and second base huddled atop designated second base, building sand castles.
6:02
Third baseman on his back making dirt angels on the basepath.
6:03
First baseman wearing glove on his head, looking bewildered about baseballs allegedly aimed in his direction.
6:04
Pitcher wearing cone-pitcher’s-mound marker as a replacement dunce cap.
6:05
Catcher falls headfirst into ball bucket due to weight imbalance of equipment.
6:06
Water break!
6:07
Question whether wet pants are potty accidents or water bottle ineptitude. Decide it’s better not to know.
6:10
Batting practice!
6:11
Coach lines players up in batting order. Sits them on bench to wait their turn.
6:12
Batting lineup becomes completely discombobulated.
6:15
Coach places ball on tee. Batter swings. Thwacks tee.
6:16
Coach replaces ball on tee. Batter swings. Thwacks tee.
6:17
Coach replaces ball on tee. Batter swings. Thwacks tee.
6:18
Question coache’s sanity for agreeing to supervise the sporting ability of 15 4-year-olds.
6:19
Coach places ball on tee. Batter swings. Sends ball sailing.
6:20
Coach applauds and encourages stunned player to run to first.
6:21
Player hurls bat back toward backstop. Coach two-step line dances out of the way of the flying projectile. Make note to consult health insurance plan to check if T-ball coach knee replacement surgery is covered by policy.
6:23
Notice players waiting for their turn have all been armed. Realize jousting is a legitimate secondary activity in T-ball for the attention-span-challenged. Repeatedly thank deities there are no pointy objects in baseball.
6:25
Become mesmerized by intricacies of catcher’s interpretive potty dance. With uncertainty if the squat is mimicking the professional position or delaying the inevitable accident, ask if player has to go potty.
6:26
There’s no crying in baseball. But there is most decidedly crying in T-ball. Especially if the catcher thinks he’s going to have to give up his turn with the mask. Postpone potty break.
6:27
Batter belts one all the way to second base. Fielder (of some position) chases after it. Fielder throws to first base. First baseman chases after ball.
6:29
First baseman throws ball to catcher at home plate. Kinda. Ball flies astray, smacks into mom not currently recording minute-by-minute play-by-play of practice.
6:30
Try really hard not to laugh at adorableness of chaos.
6:31
Runner and shortstop collide. Runner heads toward home. Base coaches try to redirect runner toward third. Practice has surpassed an hour’s length. Realize it is a lost cause.
6:33
Next batter has proclaimed tee a helicopter and is head down spinning donuts. This kid is clearly a future frat boy.
6:34
Wonder what geo-tagged route of base path “diamond” would actually look like if running alignment was mapped.
6:35
Coach calls kids in for a final huddle.
6:36
Group yells, “HOTDOG” on count of one, two and/or three.
6:39
Player realizes he forgot to bat. Asks coach to set the tee back up.
6:40
Player lines tee ball into the outfield. Mostly because there is no one trying to stop it and balls roll.
6:42
Player gives coach giant hug. “Thank you. I can run fast because I have baseball cleats.”
6:43
Coach tells player he’ll see him at the game on Saturday. Player asks what game snacks will be.
6:45
Squish back across ballpark toward car, with chorus of, “We played so good at practice! So can we have peanut butter and jelly for dinner?” sound tracking the trek.
6:55
Finish de-gearing and dusting up-and-coming athletes so they are in a state fit to enter the vehicle.
7:15
Arrive home. Turn on Oakland A’s game to enlighten “Tiny Royals” how the big boys play up at the show.
