A Standard Saturday Stream of Conscious

Boys wake up. Hear them happily chattering. Roll over – they’re old enough, maybe they can entertain themselves for a snooze button – they’re enjoying themselves.

ARGHHHH! MOMMEEEE HE DID IT!!!

Time to get up.

Try and convince boys to use the potty. Where is my coffee? Caffeine makes the world a little less fuzzy. (Maybe a bit more.)

Start first load of laundry.

Saturday morning soccer practice. Inevitably one of the kiddos won’t be thrilled. (Dear god – I have become a soccer mom.)

Try to convince boys to use the potty. Get lectured by Destroy for accidentally calling him Search. Try to explain Mommy doesn’t know her own name before coffee.

Head to the park for soccer. Daddy and Me Kidz Love Soccer – I’m *that* mom with two kids instead of one-on-one interaction. (Daddy is sleeping. Not “sleeping in,” he worked the graveyard shift – no sleep means zombie parent, which is too cliché for midnight shifters.)

It’s a 30-minute class. Naturally we will need to use the potty a minimum of four times per child. Destroy refuses to pee in the potty. Locate a tree that will draw the minimum number what-a-terrible-parent glares.

Promise boys bagels if they behave. Praise boys for actually participating!

Back to the bathroom. DON’T TOUCH THAT! KEEP THE DOOR CLOSED! DON’T TOUCH THAT! YUCKY!

Realize you’ve forgotten your wallet. Boys have not forgotten promised bagels. God bless the Starbucks app. Give thanks that you don’t have to eat the dough-y bagels. More coffee!

Outdoor play. Seems like a good idea. Crap. Potty issues. (Literally here.) Remove soiled pants. Shit, it got on my shirt. Take off shirt. Run kid to potty to finish.

Doorbell rings. See no one at door; assume it’s the mailman. Open door. Hello neighbor. Quickly shut door – go find shirt. Discuss trees and landscaping with neighbor. Get interrupted when front door flings open to reveal child who has now shimmied off potty and run to you sans pants.

Kid brushes away need for bottoms. Demands to go to the park. Sits naked in jogging stroller. Bid adieu to neighbor who will likely move now as second kid streaks past to bemoan the dogs lack of shoes.

Moderate tantruming argument over imaginary gas can. Explain again that dogs do not need to wear shoes.

DO NOT BITE YOUR BROTHER!

Remind kids we do not scream in the house for no reason. Screaming is for outside (when the neighbors aren’t home to call CPS – Why is your son crying? Because he can?) Tell kid he’s on timeout if he thwacks his brother in the face.

Stifle laughter when kid turns tail and runs – headfirst into the timeout chair. Because, karma.

Steel yourself. Announce naptime. Wrangle muppets. (Unsuccessfully.)

Listen to screaming turn to laughing. Hear kids jumping in bed. Wait for inevitable, OW. Sigh. Go upstairs. Change poopy diaper. Tuck them back in. Listen to screaming turn to laughing. Hear kids jumping in bed.

Kids finally fall asleep half-hour before the end of naptime.

Wake boys up. (Unsuccessfully.) Bring them downstairs. Still unsure if they are conscious. Bribe potty usage with possibility of Mickey cartoon. (Success!)

Start another load of laundry. Look at disaster of house. Laundry going 24/7, yet no clean clothes for self– because they’re all loads of dirty kid clothes. So much laundry for such small people! (Work people will never know. Remind yourself to play “got-it-together” adult in the office.)

Bring recent load of clean laundry upstairs; dump it on pile. Realize you’ve just brought the dirty basket into the room and are re-washing the just previously washed stack. Sigh. Bring everything in the pile back downstairs for a new washing. Because, well…potty training. Take no chances.

Compile and review afternoon to-do list/errands that need running.

Hear banshee wail and scream from living room. Enter room (because screaming means breathing which means still alive) and discover two little legs upended and sticking out of the toy bin. Consider asking what happened. Think better of it.

Abandon all plans. Ride bikes to the park.

Awkwardly wave at neighbor upon return ride. “Hi there,” they say. “Forgot to mention earlier, we have a newborn at home now.”

Smile genuinely. “Welcome to parenthood.”