{"id":4225,"date":"2015-02-14T14:41:59","date_gmt":"2015-02-14T22:41:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/?p=4225"},"modified":"2015-02-14T14:50:11","modified_gmt":"2015-02-14T22:50:11","slug":"valentines-day-not-even-pinterest-enough-to-fail","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/valentines-day-not-even-pinterest-enough-to-fail\/","title":{"rendered":"Valentine\u2019s Day: Not Even Pinterest Enough to Fail"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Heart<\/a><\/p>\n

I won\u2019t sugarcoat it. Valentine\u2019s Day is not my thing.<\/p>\n

It is a shmoopy memorial brought into being by the greeting card industry. A Hallmark holiday celebrated via a weaponized fat toddler (who would realistically kill the romance in any relationship with the pungent aroma of a full diaper if you weren\u2019t first snipered by fallen pieces from a shattered Lego arrow). All while honoring a saint who was ultimately beheaded, via the grand gesture of murdered foliage most symbolized for its thorny exterior \u2013 evolved by nature to stab you should you look at it wrong.<\/p>\n

I know this will sound surprising, but I\u2019m not a bitter, lonely person. I just don\u2019t care. Come talk to me about birthdays \u2013 one’s own personal holiday, merely meant to rejoice your continued existence.<\/p>\n

(Plus it\u2019s far more cost effective to just celebrate Jon\u2019s birthday, which is the week before. And really, I\u2019m well aware he\u2019s a canonization candidate simply for his ability to put up with me.)<\/p>\n

That said, I am not a killjoy of childhood innocence and enjoyment.<\/p>\n

So it was with great enthusiasm that I picked up Search and Destroy from preschool on the evening of Thursday, Feb. 12, and discovered a photocopied handout in each of their respective folders. \u201cMy Valentines\u201d followed by a list of the names for 22 students and three teachers who comprise the class.<\/p>\n

The party was Friday. I had one night\u00a0to sort out the Valentine\u2019s Day distribution. Also, the Streams were slated to provide chocolate sauce for the class shindig.<\/p>\n

Oops.<\/p>\n

The extent of my Pinterest crafty abilities extends only to clicking the \u201cPin It\u201d button on the craftastic website.<\/p>\n

So with knowledge of friends, who were home hand-making Super Sweet Super Hero felt masks for an entire elementary school (all while fighting a fever of 103) or building a balsa wood kissing booth payable in lollipops, I causally asked the muppets about making Valentines.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going to make pink hearts for all my friends,\u201d announced Search. \u201cWith SPARKLES!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah!\u201d Destroy enthusiastically agreed. \u201cAnd I\u2019m gonna make blue squares for my friends who are not mean.\u201d<\/p>\n

This was brilliant. Shapes and colors are educational! And I could pretend to be focused on really letting the kids make their own project instead of an overachieving parental one-upmanship competition. (There\u2019s time aplenty for that once my dear sons face science-fair-project season amid the brethren of Silicon Valley engineerlings.)<\/p>\n

Who said Mickey Mouse Clubhouse wasn\u2019t worthwhile? Thank you episode \u201cA Sweet Surprise for Minnie.\u201d Mickey made a loving pink sparkly heart for his Minnie, while Donald forgot and then lost a blue square he\u2019d frantically asked the Mouseketool to help out with.<\/p>\n

Such ingenuity was soon found flawed. Search made one pink heart. Destroy cut out one blue square before scampering off and shouting back instructions for me to make the rest of them. There was zero possibility of 25 scissored and signed shapes happening in the short hours between dinner and bedtime.<\/p>\n

TO THE TARGET!<\/p>\n

Actually, I rethought that plan after realizing I\u2019d be at the checkout stand on the eve of St. Valentine\u2019s with nary but a container of Hershey\u2019s syrup and a container of glitter, likely next to the 50 Shades of Gray pop-up aisle stand.<\/p>\n

Jon was sent to CVS in search of pre-printed Valentines instead.<\/p>\n

\u201cSlim pickings. The choices are cats that turn into purses or Transformers.\u201d<\/p>\n

In a continued bid for Mother of the Year, I abandoned plans to inscribe each Transformer holograph with a class member\u2019s name, simply wrote Destroy on half the stack and Search on the remainder. Then I scotch taped a Hershey\u2019s Kiss to the back of all of them.<\/p>\n

Done and done.<\/p>\n

The following afternoon the boys rushed to show me their loot. Piled alongside the 1×2 Transformer card was a hand-crafted robot of treats.<\/p>\n

\"Valentine<\/a>

Head of applesauce, body of juice box, feet of raisins and arms of KitKat.<\/p><\/div>\n

We made it precisely three steps out of the classroom before Destroy dropped his goodie bag, unable to bear its sugary weight.<\/p>\n

Innards of applesauce brains exploded everywhere.<\/p>\n

The survivor? A Hershey\u2019s Kiss cocooned in scotch tape and barricaded by the plastic of an Optimus Prime illusion.<\/p>\n

Award please.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I won\u2019t sugarcoat it. Valentine\u2019s Day is not my thing. It is a shmoopy memorial brought into being by the greeting card industry. A Hallmark holiday celebrated via a weaponized fat toddler (who would realistically kill the romance in any … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true},"categories":[19],"tags":[531,316,1775,1776,613,212,242],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3Sbzi-169","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1177,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/cupids-kiss\/","url_meta":{"origin":4225,"position":0},"title":"Cupid’s Kiss","date":"February 14, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Happy Valentine\u2019s Day everyone! I\u2019ll admit, I\u2019ve never been a big fan of this Hallmark holiday. I don\u2019t really have a good reason why - especially since I\u2019m such a huge fan of the assorted chocolates associated with it. Maybe it\u2019s because there\u2019s just so much pressure involved on what\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Celebrations"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2188,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/why-my-kids-will-one-day-tell-their-therapist-mommy-never-loved-them\/","url_meta":{"origin":4225,"position":1},"title":"Why My Kids Will One Day Tell Their Therapist Mommy Never Loved Them","date":"February 14, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Happy Valentine\u2019s Day. This holiday isn\u2019t really my cup of tea. Sweethearts taste like chalk and the over-abundance of cherry-flavored lollipops remind me of children\u2019s medicine. Overpriced wilted roses and an exorbitantly priced prix-fixe menu with funny foods I don\u2019t understand. (Give me a summer ballgame with a Dodger dog\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Baby Products"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/02\/sees-candy-heart-chocolates_bcd12aef.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":2196,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/my-funny-valentine\/","url_meta":{"origin":4225,"position":2},"title":"My Funny Valentine","date":"February 14, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Valentine\u2019s Day. And I had not one, but TWO fantabulous dates. 5:57 p.m.: Our dinner date begins. Whirling dervish of paws and fur greets us at the door. Muppets involved in chaos \u2013 extent of which remains undetermined. Run upstairs to change into appropriate outfit \u2013 running shorts and well-worn\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Food"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2481,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/mothers-day-activities\/","url_meta":{"origin":4225,"position":3},"title":"Mother\u2019s Day Activities","date":"May 13, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"G.G. hated Mother\u2019s Day. She viewed it as a mass-market sales ploy for the greeting card industry. I can\u2019t say I disagree \u2013 it\u2019s very similar to how I\u2019ve always felt about Valentine\u2019s Day. At best, I\u2019d say I\u2019m indifferent. Because, you see, I\u2019m a mother every day. Nevertheless, we\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Celebrations"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2200,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wineconed-wednesday-st-valentine-edition\/","url_meta":{"origin":4225,"position":4},"title":"Wineconed Wednesday \u2013 St. Valentine Edition","date":"February 15, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Are you reading\u00a0A Nervous Tic Motion Yet? You should be. I write a weekly column there \u2013\u00a0Wineconed Wednesdays. You know you want to throw some. And I would really love for you to join in! St. Valentine was eventually imprisoned, beaten, stoned and ultimately beheaded. They don't tell you that\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "A Nervous Tic Motion"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/02\/Chris-Brown-242x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":3124,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/dining-with-small-children\/","url_meta":{"origin":4225,"position":5},"title":"Dining with Small Children","date":"February 27, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"TURTLE WEENIES! YAY!!! Search and Destroy were very excited about the evening\u2019s culinary offering. (To clarify, we were having tortellini for dinner.) While the \u201ceat whatever you want with reckless abandon because it\u2019s the holidays and things are just really tasty\u201d season \u2013 general running from the turkey of Thanksgiving\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Food"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/02\/IMG_1956-e1361939166292-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4225"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4225"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4225\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4225"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4225"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4225"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}