<\/a>Head of applesauce, body of juice box, feet of raisins and arms of KitKat.<\/p><\/div>\n
We made it precisely three steps out of the classroom before Destroy dropped his goodie bag, unable to bear its sugary weight.<\/p>\n
Innards of applesauce brains exploded everywhere.<\/p>\n
The survivor? A Hershey\u2019s Kiss cocooned in scotch tape and barricaded by the plastic of an Optimus Prime illusion.<\/p>\n
Award please.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I won\u2019t sugarcoat it. Valentine\u2019s Day is not my thing. It is a shmoopy memorial brought into being by the greeting card industry. A Hallmark holiday celebrated via a weaponized fat toddler (who would realistically kill the romance in any … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true},"categories":[19],"tags":[531,316,1775,1776,613,212,242],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3Sbzi-169","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1177,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/cupids-kiss\/","url_meta":{"origin":4225,"position":0},"title":"Cupid’s Kiss","date":"February 14, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Happy Valentine\u2019s Day everyone! I\u2019ll admit, I\u2019ve never been a big fan of this Hallmark holiday. I don\u2019t really have a good reason why - especially since I\u2019m such a huge fan of the assorted chocolates associated with it. Maybe it\u2019s because there\u2019s just so much pressure involved on what\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Celebrations"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2188,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/why-my-kids-will-one-day-tell-their-therapist-mommy-never-loved-them\/","url_meta":{"origin":4225,"position":1},"title":"Why My Kids Will One Day Tell Their Therapist Mommy Never Loved Them","date":"February 14, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Happy Valentine\u2019s Day. This holiday isn\u2019t really my cup of tea. Sweethearts taste like chalk and the over-abundance of cherry-flavored lollipops remind me of children\u2019s medicine. Overpriced wilted roses and an exorbitantly priced prix-fixe menu with funny foods I don\u2019t understand. (Give me a summer ballgame with a Dodger dog\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Baby Products"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/02\/sees-candy-heart-chocolates_bcd12aef.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":2196,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/my-funny-valentine\/","url_meta":{"origin":4225,"position":2},"title":"My Funny Valentine","date":"February 14, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Valentine\u2019s Day. And I had not one, but TWO fantabulous dates. 5:57 p.m.: Our dinner date begins. Whirling dervish of paws and fur greets us at the door. Muppets involved in chaos \u2013 extent of which remains undetermined. Run upstairs to change into appropriate outfit \u2013 running shorts and well-worn\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Food"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2481,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/mothers-day-activities\/","url_meta":{"origin":4225,"position":3},"title":"Mother\u2019s Day Activities","date":"May 13, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"G.G. hated Mother\u2019s Day. She viewed it as a mass-market sales ploy for the greeting card industry. I can\u2019t say I disagree \u2013 it\u2019s very similar to how I\u2019ve always felt about Valentine\u2019s Day. At best, I\u2019d say I\u2019m indifferent. Because, you see, I\u2019m a mother every day. Nevertheless, we\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Celebrations"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2200,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wineconed-wednesday-st-valentine-edition\/","url_meta":{"origin":4225,"position":4},"title":"Wineconed Wednesday \u2013 St. Valentine Edition","date":"February 15, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Are you reading\u00a0A Nervous Tic Motion Yet? You should be. I write a weekly column there \u2013\u00a0Wineconed Wednesdays. You know you want to throw some. And I would really love for you to join in! St. Valentine was eventually imprisoned, beaten, stoned and ultimately beheaded. They don't tell you that\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "A Nervous Tic Motion"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/02\/Chris-Brown-242x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":3124,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/dining-with-small-children\/","url_meta":{"origin":4225,"position":5},"title":"Dining with Small Children","date":"February 27, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"TURTLE WEENIES! YAY!!! Search and Destroy were very excited about the evening\u2019s culinary offering. (To clarify, we were having tortellini for dinner.) While the \u201ceat whatever you want with reckless abandon because it\u2019s the holidays and things are just really tasty\u201d season \u2013 general running from the turkey of Thanksgiving\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Food"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/02\/IMG_1956-e1361939166292-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4225"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4225"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4225\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4225"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4225"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4225"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}