{"id":3122,"date":"2013-02-25T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-02-25T16:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/?p=3122"},"modified":"2016-02-24T22:03:33","modified_gmt":"2016-02-25T06:03:33","slug":"sacrifice-to-the-potty-gods","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/sacrifice-to-the-potty-gods\/","title":{"rendered":"Sacrifice to the Potty Gods"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/h1>\n

The boys want nothing to do with the potty. Rather they seem to be quite enamored with going through 3,000 diapers per year.<\/p>\n

So we ordered books. (Because heretoforth those \u201cWhat To Expect\u201d how-to guides have always served us so well\u2026)<\/p>\n

Search and Destroy love them! They can recite them to us now. They toddle around the house chanting, \u201cChugga-chugga POOOO-POO!\u201d (Because you know you\u2019re life has peaked when you\u2019re cuddled with your children reading \u201cThe Potty Train.\u201d)<\/p>\n

We may as well be trying to flush them down the big boy potty. The gaping maw of the open lid must seem as overwhelming as leaning over an open-sea cliff.<\/p>\n

We bought a tiny person seat. Cars themed! The boys writhed in apparent pain as they squirmed away from letting any part of LightningMcQueen touch their little tushies.<\/p>\n

We have a cute little frog potty. (Is there where life has led us? Finding bathroom abodes \u201ccute\u201d?) Every evening we take a bath. Every evening I suggest they sit on the froggie potty. Every evening they look at me like I\u2019m completely crazy.<\/p>\n

Perhaps they don\u2019t understand. Diaper technology has come so far \u2013 maybe they\u2019re just not bothered by having a wet diaper. That would certainly explain the oft-heard shrieks of, \u201cNo I not stinky!\u201d (When they totally are.)<\/p>\n

We decided to try something rash. Off went the boys on a field trip with Daddy to acquire some big-boy underpants. An adventure unto itself, the trio finally found vehicle-themed briefs small enough. (This scavenger hunt did help soothe the mind. If you can only find boys under-duds in size 4T, obviously they\u2019re not expected to master the potty until age 4 right?)<\/p>\n

Yeah. Notsomuch.<\/p>\n

They were terrifically excited \u2013 removing their pants, their little faces alight with glee over their new clothing option.<\/p>\n

\u201cOk, let\u2019s put on your new big-boy undies,\u201d we said, proudly helping them step back into their pants. \u201cBut remember, if you\u2019re going to wear these, you need to go pee-pee in the potty.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d they both replied simply.<\/p>\n

Twenty-five seconds later I heard a wail. Already?!<\/p>\n

Destroy stood shell-shocked and stock-still in the middle of the living room. \u201cI peed. I peed on my pants. I need a diaper,\u201d he sobbed. He seemed genuinely heartbroken, repeatedly shaking his head and murmuring, \u201cI peed,\u201d throughout lunch.<\/p>\n

Suddenly Search began performing an introductory version of the potty dance. \u201cOk, I go sit on the potty,\u201d he allowed. \u201cThe LITTLE potty. I only need to sit on the little potty.\u201d<\/p>\n

He sat! We cheered! Nothing happened. Then we headed upstairs and he wet his pants. (At least it wasn\u2019t on me.)<\/p>\n

Evening fell. And once again I suggested the tots use the potty. Once again, they declined.<\/p>\n

I plopped Destroy into the tub. Ten seconds later I scooped him back out and plopped him on the potty. \u201cNo! Poop in the potty! Sit here and finish pooping.\u201d<\/p>\n

Yup. He pooped in the tub.<\/p>\n

I called for Jon while profusely praising Destroy for peeing in the potty. Jon and I swapped places as I went in search of the elusive all-purpose cleaner.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo! Pee in the potty! Not on all the cabinets!\u201d I heard Jon shout. Destroy began wailing again. Search proclaimed to the general public (his parents, the dogs and a toy truck) that Destroy peed. Again.<\/p>\n

Jon and I once again traded places \u2013 he to scrub the tub and I off to wipe a baby bottom. We heard the water start running \u2013 I assume to rinse the offending ickiness out of the bathtub.<\/p>\n

\u201cOoh!\u201d Search perked up. \u201cBathtime. Finally\u2026\u201d And off he toddled toward the scene of the crime. (Still notably wearing his diaper.)<\/p>\n

Destroy tentatively followed after him.<\/p>\n

\u201cBy the way, the rug has a wet spot,\u201d I began to explain to Jon. \u201cBut it\u2019s not pee, it\u2019s just the drips from the bath toys Destroy is still holding\u2026No!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut that is pee, isn\u2019t it?\u201d a decidedly resigned Jon responded as a new liquid stream soaked Jon\u2019s socks and pants. (Yes. Yes it was. At least we\u2019re now peeing in the right room?)<\/p>\n

Significantly later than originally planned, sticky, dusty, dirty boys were immersed in a clean tub filled with soapy water. Jon was a bit thrown off by the bodily fluid curveball.<\/p>\n

\u201cI haven\u2019t cleaned the little potty yet. I haven\u2019t even gotten towels or jammies yet. I DON\u2019T EVEN HAVE PANTS!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs this the first tub poop you\u2019ve been home for?\u201d I asked? He nodded. I laughed.<\/p>\n

And thus concludes our potty training experiment of the day. (And likely a lot longer. Destroy really did seem a bit traumatized by the day\u2019s events.)<\/p>\n

I have been assured that very few children enter high school still in diapers. They\u2019re only two and a half. And they\u2019re boys. Realistically, we have a few more years to combat the stubborn determination genetically flowing through their veins.<\/p>\n

Oh Potty Gods \u2013 I bequeath unto you an offering.<\/p>\n

Today, it is the sacrifice of innocent big-boy panties. Condemned only for their ability to let toddlers experience the true experience of an \u201caccident.\u201d<\/p>\n

And as a showing of sincerity, I also offer up my sanity. Condemned only in the effort to raise twins.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The boys want nothing to do with the potty. Rather they seem to be quite enamored with going through 3,000 diapers per year. So we ordered books. (Because heretoforth those \u201cWhat To Expect\u201d how-to guides have always served us so … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true},"categories":[23,20,992,10,624],"tags":[1190,1192,1193,190,1191],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3Sbzi-Om","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":3471,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/when-potty-training-goes-poorly\/","url_meta":{"origin":3122,"position":0},"title":"When Potty Training Goes Poorly","date":"July 22, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"The odds are good that in just a few short weeks you\u2019ll stumble upon a news headline shouting, \u201cFamily Receives Million Dollar Water Bill.\u201d And it won\u2019t be one of those billing error issues \u2013 it will be the result of a washing machine running non-stop for 30+ days. (Not\u2026","rel":"","context":"In \"potty training\"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/07\/Iron-Man-e1374463538472-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":3701,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/up-shit-creek-with-only-a-single-pack-of-pampers-sensitive-wipes-or-a-day-in-the-life-of-potty-training-twins\/","url_meta":{"origin":3122,"position":1},"title":"Up Shit Creek with only a Single Pack of Pampers Sensitive Wipes (or a day in the life of potty training twins)","date":"December 9, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Morning begins with a cry for Mama (oh who are we kidding - the cry is for waffles). One of the little men is awake. Except he doesn't want to get out of bed. (Maybe if he hides under the covers no one will notice him.) The adult of the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/12\/pampersentwipes.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":3276,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/splash-its-potty-time\/","url_meta":{"origin":3122,"position":2},"title":"Splash! It\u2019s Potty Time","date":"May 1, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"For those curious, it is not possible to flush an entire roll of toilet paper down the toilet \u2013 cardboard roll and all. Even if you climb into the bowl to help shove it down.\u00a0 Dinner was done. Not necessarily eaten, but food had been prepared, set out and smeared\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Destroy"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/04\/TP-Disaster-300x225.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":3587,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/down-and-dirty-preschool-pickup\/","url_meta":{"origin":3122,"position":3},"title":"Down and Dirty Preschool Pickup","date":"September 26, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Preschool pickup could have gone better today. Read ahead at your own risk. I got the day\u2019s rundown when I went to sign the boys out. \u201cDestroy\u2019s in a pull-up because he asked for one to poop in.\u201d Hey! That\u2019s great! Smooth sailing sign out and just another day for\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/09\/White-Flag-300x258.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":3488,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/a-standard-saturday-stream-of-conscious\/","url_meta":{"origin":3122,"position":4},"title":"A Standard Saturday Stream of Conscious","date":"July 29, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Boys wake up. Hear them happily chattering. Roll over \u2013 they\u2019re old enough, maybe they can entertain themselves for a snooze button \u2013 they\u2019re enjoying themselves. ARGHHHH! MOMMEEEE HE DID IT!!! Time to get up. Try and convince boys to use the potty. Where is my coffee? Caffeine makes the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Home"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/07\/Umbrella-300x200.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":3869,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/devils-in-the-diaper\/","url_meta":{"origin":3122,"position":5},"title":"Devil\u2019s in the Diaper","date":"May 5, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"The true parable of Adam and Eve does not detail punishment by banishment from a literal utopian garden. It is an allegory illustrating the evolution of man; the development of human brains to combat the elements by donning clothing, thus leading to the invention of potty training. Pop quiz: Q.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Milestones"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3122"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3122"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3122\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3122"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3122"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3122"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}