{"id":2808,"date":"2012-09-26T07:03:35","date_gmt":"2012-09-26T14:03:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/?p=2808"},"modified":"2012-09-23T21:35:05","modified_gmt":"2012-09-24T04:35:05","slug":"return-to-department-390","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/return-to-department-390\/","title":{"rendered":"Return to Department 390"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Warning: This post may contain a dose of TMI for the feint of heart. I had tiny twins. I have no modesty left. Read at your own risk. <\/em><\/p>\n

I had a doctor\u2019s appointment last week. I was drug seeking. The time had come to seek birth control.<\/p>\n

(Surprisingly enough, not for controlling prospective births. It has other medicinal properties. Like helping to manage polycystic ovarian syndrome.)<\/p>\n

Wandering down the corridor toward the female-oriented departments, I looked across the overpass \u2013 connecting the \u201cclinic\u201d to the \u201chospital\u201d (despite this all being one large building) \u2013 and there loomed the well-worn path to the NICU. I turned back to Department 390, \u201cWomen\u2019s Heath\u201d screamed at me from the wall.<\/p>\n

I had not been on the third floor since the great pregnancy debacle of 2010. And it was proving harder on my psyche than I expected.<\/p>\n

I stood on the little rubber feet telling me to \u201cTO PROTECT PATIENT PRIVACY, PLEASE STAND BACK.\u201d The very pregnant woman in front of me was commiserating with the receptionist.<\/p>\n

\u201cUgh. I\u2019m so ready to be done with this part. Haha. I can\u2019t believe there\u2019s still two more months. I would not be sad if he just came now.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bitch, please. You have no idea.<\/p>\n

My turn! Haven\u2019t been seen in over a year? Fill out Form A. Here for birth control? Fill out Form B. Thank you, here\u2019s your paperwork. I picked up the pile. At the bottom was a brochure featuring a brightly colored baby in utero. \u201cYour Baby\u2019s Development! 28-32 Weeks!\u201d<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think that was meant for me. See, I never got that brochure. I never needed it. I took a deep breath and began answering the probing questions.<\/p>\n

Have you ever become pregnant while using any means of family planning?
\n<\/em>Well when you phrase it that way \u2013 sure. It involved serious quantities of fertility drugs.<\/p>\n

How many pregnancies have you had?
\n<\/em>Three.<\/p>\n

How many deliveries have you had?
\n<\/em>One.<\/p>\n

How many living children do you have?
\n<\/em>Two.<\/p>\n

How many abortions\/miscarriages have you had?
\n<\/em>Umm\u2026two and a half?<\/p>\n

The medical assistant came to claim me. Stand on the scale. Sit in the chair. And the blood pressure gauge began squeezing the life out of me. I. Hate. Measuring. Blood pressure. Hate. Hate. Hate. I\u2019d just come from the lab where blood was stolen from me via a stabby needle. I do believe I prefer the bloodletting to that confounded blood pressure cuff.<\/p>\n

As such, I mentioned my blood pressure may be higher than normal. She took that as a suggestion to take my blood pressure again. So that sucked.<\/p>\n

Into the little room. When was my last period? Can\u2019t remember \u2013 2-3 months ago? (Sheesh \u2013 that\u2019s why I\u2019m here people.)<\/p>\n

The medical assistant\u2019s eyes lit up. \u201cWe need to do a pregnancy test!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not pregnant.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you could be!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. I couldn\u2019t be. Not. Pregnant.\u201d<\/p>\n

We did a pregnancy test. It was negative. I gave her my shocked face. I think she seemed a little sad.<\/p>\n

Finally my doctor arrived. She greeted me and asked how the muppets were doing. It occurred to me how odd it felt to be fully clothed in such an exam room.<\/p>\n

Three minutes later, she\u2019d handed me a scrip, wished me and my sons well, and said she hoped this meant she\u2019d never see me in the hospital because my insides had exploded. (Happy PCOS awareness month, folks.<\/a>)<\/p>\n

And after all that \u2013 the blood work came back to say *I\u2019m* the one with the high blood sugar? I need a cookie.<\/p>\n

And to never go back there.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Warning: This post may contain a dose of TMI for the feint of heart. I had tiny twins. I have no modesty left. Read at your own risk. I had a doctor\u2019s appointment last week. I was drug seeking. The … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true},"categories":[21,270],"tags":[1042,1041,1040,1039,302],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3Sbzi-Ji","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":2623,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/pixi-stix\/","url_meta":{"origin":2808,"position":0},"title":"Pixi Stix","date":"July 9, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"The Pixi Stix are here! (I\u2019ve mentioned the muppets' future prom dates before.) And tonight I went to visit them, cooing, \u201cLet me meet my future daughters-in-law\u201d to the consternation of their doting father. They are tiny and perfect and I love them. Born July 3: Claire Elizabeth: 5lbs 4oz\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Baby Photos"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/07\/PixiStix-300x224.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":2253,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wineconed-wednesday-he-who-must-not-be-named-edition\/","url_meta":{"origin":2808,"position":1},"title":"Wineconed Wednesday \u2013 He Who Must Not Be Named Edition","date":"March 7, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"This week, over at A Nervous Tic Motion... You may have heard about this week\u2019s controversy \u2013 a certain political shock jock thought it would be a good idea to resort to grade school name-calling, presumably to bolster ratings. Given the media outcry, I am assuming that backfired. When advertising\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "A Nervous Tic Motion"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1867,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/motherhood-uncovered-prematurity-is-a-pain\/","url_meta":{"origin":2808,"position":2},"title":"Motherhood Uncovered: Prematurity is a Pain","date":"November 2, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Today's Motherhood Uncovered post celebrates November as Prematurity Awareness Month by taking a closer look at the signs and symptoms that may lead to tiny babies.\u00a0 You see the angel-faced, pigtailed, rosy-lipped, chubby-cheeked, cherub giggling in the restaurant booth next to you. You turn to your significant other, \u201cLet\u2019s get\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Bed-rest"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/photo-300x200.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":807,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/put-the-nicu-nurses-out-of-a-job\/","url_meta":{"origin":2808,"position":3},"title":"Put the NICU Nurses Out of a Job","date":"November 1, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"As part of a campaign to generate awareness about the crisis of premature birth in our country, the March of Dimes designated November as Prematurity Awareness Month. Premature birth is the leading cause of newborn death worldwide. And the rate of premature birth has risen by 30 percent since 1981.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Baby Photos"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/streamdoubletrouble.files.wordpress.com\/2010\/06\/img_0056.jpg?w=350&h=200&crop=1","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1390,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/ptsd\/","url_meta":{"origin":2808,"position":4},"title":"PTSD","date":"May 19, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Maxwell Carter was born last Sunday at a healthy 6lbs. 12oz. He was full term. I couldn\u2019t wait to meet him; and I was thrilled with the prospect of seeing a newborn without any wires. In the vast majority of life arrivals, I would wait until the new family was\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Celebrations"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/05\/224203_10150168244326384_500016383_6761743_5740476_n-300x200.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":104,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/beep-goes-the-machine\/","url_meta":{"origin":2808,"position":5},"title":"Beep Goes the\u00a0Machine","date":"April 24, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Several years ago, our chocolate lab Bailey required surgery on his little hindquarters. The veterinary assistant called me when he came out of general anesthesia to let me know he was doing \u201cjust fine.\u201d Bailey was special. While most dogs simply sleep it off in a kennel (or stumble around\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Bed-rest"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/streamdoubletrouble.files.wordpress.com\/2010\/04\/bailey.jpg?w=350&h=200&crop=1","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2808"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2808"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2808\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2808"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2808"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2808"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}