{"id":2680,"date":"2012-07-30T07:00:22","date_gmt":"2012-07-30T14:00:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/?p=2680"},"modified":"2012-07-30T08:38:05","modified_gmt":"2012-07-30T15:38:05","slug":"the-seven-deadly-sins-of-motherhood-or-why-were-all-going-to-hell","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/the-seven-deadly-sins-of-motherhood-or-why-were-all-going-to-hell\/","title":{"rendered":"The Seven Deadly Sins of Motherhood (or why we’re all going to hell)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/h1>\n
This is not a sponsored post. I just really like the wine. And sometimes it’s necessary.<\/h6>\n

Disclaimer: This is a blasphemous post. I know this. <\/em>I am familiar with my catechism.<\/em><\/a> But whether you devoutly attend mass every first Friday or worship at the altar of the great spaghetti monster, this is meant as humor. Please don\u2019t send me angry hate mail telling me I\u2019m going to hell. I already know this. That\u2019s the point of this post.<\/em><\/p>\n

Lust
\n<\/strong>Intense desire; excessive sexual wants. Baby-making.<\/p>\n

Well let\u2019s just get the obvious out of the way. Where do you think babies come from? That\u2019s right. Lustful sexytime. And let\u2019s not kid ourselves, after achieving the joyful results of our lustful loins lusting for that pre-baby body. (But first, a cookie.)<\/p>\n

Gluttony
\n<\/strong>Over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste. Ardenter: eating too eagerly.<\/p>\n

You can always tell who\u2019s the toddler parent of the group. We\u2019re the ones who wolf down our food at mach speed because otherwise our tiny brethren will demand bites and then throw the plate on the floor. And grubby rug rat hands totally negate the 5-second rule.<\/p>\n

Greed
\n<\/strong>Excessive or rapacious desire and pursuit of material possessions. Spoiling the child.<\/p>\n

I have once seen the floor of my living room. Legend tells it lives beneath the frenetic chaos of toys and trucks, books and blocks tossed wildly about by Hurricane Muppet. Grandparents have moved in en masse. The children want for nothing. And they haven\u2019t even started playing sports yet.<\/p>\n

Sloth
\n<\/strong>Physical or spiritual laziness. Mommy\u2019s tired.<\/p>\n

I fantasize about the day I will once again sleep in again and lounge around the house. Dare to dream about being lazy. And admit it \u2013 you\u2019ve put off errands or tasks because it was just too much trouble to bundle everyone up out of the house. Mohammad may have moved a mountain, but I\u2019ll deal with the laundry tomorrow(ish).<\/p>\n

Wrath
\n<\/strong>Rage; uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger. Hurt my child and I will cut you.<\/p>\n

A mother bear with her cubs is in her most aggressive state. Mother bears are dedicated to protecting their cubs and will attack if necessary. Forget the fury of a women scorned, may the hellfire rain down upon any germ, bacteria, virus, medical malady or other harm \u2013 mental or physical \u2013 that threatens harm upon a mother\u2019s child.<\/p>\n

Envy
\n<\/strong>Jealousy; discontent toward another\u2019s traits, status, abilities, or rewards. Puking your guts out green.<\/p>\n

Freud and the fact I have boys aside. I have never denied being green with envy throughout my pregnancy (not to mention envious of all those who WEREN\u2019T green around the gills). I was jealous of the pregnancy experience prematurity robbed me of. And for those who enjoyed the blissful ignorance of what a miracle it is that any child is ever born, who among us isn\u2019t occasional rife with envy of the enchanted life devoid of adult worry as we watch our kids play in the mud.<\/p>\n

Pride
\n<\/strong>Desire to be more important or attractive than others. My kids.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t even try to deny it. My children are obviously brilliant; they only needed two trimesters to gestate instead of the traditional three. They are also the cutest, most amazing million dollar muppets ever. And you think the same about your own. \u00a0I’ve heard pride cometh before the fall – and my boys are presently competing for Olympic gold in standing and leaping from the sit-n-spin.\u00a0I\u2019m proud of my kids. And I’ve got my eye on them, because there’s no way this will end well.<\/p>\n

It does appear I\u2019ve embraced each of the above wholeheartedly. So\u2026I\u2019ll see you there. Bring s\u2019mores?<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is not a sponsored post. I just really like the wine. And sometimes it’s necessary. Disclaimer: This is a blasphemous post. I know this. I am familiar with my catechism. But whether you devoutly attend mass every first Friday … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true},"categories":[22,25,624],"tags":[964,960,961,966,959,571,965,958,962,963],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3Sbzi-He","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":4039,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/motherhood-may-cause-drowsiness-a-momoir\/","url_meta":{"origin":2680,"position":0},"title":"Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness: A Momoir","date":"October 9, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Confessions of a Scary Mommy meets Chicken Soup for the Soul in this \"momoir\" anthology by 40 mom lit and parent humor bloggers! MOTHERHOOD May Cause Drowsiness: Funny Stories by Sleepy Moms is now available. \u201cSleep when the baby sleeps.\u201d That\u2019s what they always tell expectant mothers. Funny. What they\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Books"","img":{"alt_text":"Book Photo","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Book-Photo-1024x512.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1973,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/musical-risk\/","url_meta":{"origin":2680,"position":1},"title":"Musical Risk","date":"November 29, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Today I pointed someone to this blog as the written account of my journey through motherhood. (Given my geographic ineptitude, it comes as no surprise that my particular journey happens to take the road less traveled.) Motherhood is an exercise in letting go and clinging to control - an enigma\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Family Stories"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/6a00d834515b2069e200e54f2528f18833-800wi-228x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":2893,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/motherhood-is-a-contact-sport\/","url_meta":{"origin":2680,"position":2},"title":"Motherhood is a Contact Sport","date":"November 9, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"I have a swollen nose and can't tell if those dark lines under my eyes are dark circles or black eyes. Last week I was head-butted by a toddler trying to get a better view of Papa in the iPad. Homeboy made CONTACT; it was a direct hit to my\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Family Stories"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/11\/Hurts-to-wear-my-glasses.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1867,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/motherhood-uncovered-prematurity-is-a-pain\/","url_meta":{"origin":2680,"position":3},"title":"Motherhood Uncovered: Prematurity is a Pain","date":"November 2, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Today's Motherhood Uncovered post celebrates November as Prematurity Awareness Month by taking a closer look at the signs and symptoms that may lead to tiny babies.\u00a0 You see the angel-faced, pigtailed, rosy-lipped, chubby-cheeked, cherub giggling in the restaurant booth next to you. You turn to your significant other, \u201cLet\u2019s get\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Bed-rest"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/photo-300x200.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1772,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/motherhood-uncovered-fruit-from-the-heavens\/","url_meta":{"origin":2680,"position":4},"title":"Motherhood Uncovered: Fruit From the Heavens","date":"October 14, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Today's Motherhood Uncovered\u00a0post celebrates the new fall season. Won't you join me for a drink as we enjoy the current California summer weather? ********** It is officially fall. In the California air, a crisp breeze ruffles our hair \u2013 the dusk of twilight mirrors the dawning daylight. Leaves are beginning\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "A Nervous Tic Motion"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/10\/pomegranite-martini-223x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1138,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/book-review-half-baked\/","url_meta":{"origin":2680,"position":5},"title":"Book Review: Half Baked","date":"February 6, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Alexa Stevenson is a writer and fellow preemie mom. 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