{"id":2642,"date":"2012-07-19T06:35:25","date_gmt":"2012-07-19T13:35:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/?p=2642"},"modified":"2012-07-18T21:55:17","modified_gmt":"2012-07-19T04:55:17","slug":"mother-of-all-tantrums","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/mother-of-all-tantrums\/","title":{"rendered":"Mother of all Tantrums"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/h1>\n

@HonestToddler<\/a>: <\/em>Pre-bedtime hysterics! Amiright? Going out in a blaze of cray cray!<\/em><\/p>\n

I am aware I was not the most subdued of children. I\u2019ve offered to let my mom take to these here interwebs to provide her memoirs on my adventurous toddler years<\/a>. She politely demurred. Noting that nothing good could come of that little endeavor. (So that gives you a brief idea.)<\/p>\n

The afternoon started out so promising. I was barely through the gate of the preschool when both little muppets came running from the sandbox to see me. I got tackled by two smiling little dudes and bombarded with hugs.<\/p>\n

We got home in a good mood (although to be fair I have no idea what the boys chatted about for the duration of the drive home).<\/p>\n

This called for macaroni and cheese.<\/p>\n

But with another minute and a half left of microwave time before adding the powdered orange cheese-like substance, a major muppet meltdown ensued. Major. Muppet. Meltdown.<\/p>\n

The tantrum. My god, THE TANTRUM.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m talking exorcist possession, head-spinning, holy-water-burning, pea-soup-spewing, writhing, wriggling, flinging, flailing, screaming, screeching TANTRUM. (x2)<\/p>\n

Destroy was clutching the gate, head tossed back, wailing. He flopped himself back and began screaming at the top of his lungs. Search was curled up in a ball against the couch, hiccupping with sobs.<\/p>\n

Neither wanted anything to do with dinner. This is a rarity. Destroy wouldn\u2019t even approach his little red table seat. Search\u2019s bottom hit the seat and he began proclaiming, \u201cAll done!\u201d without a single bite taken.<\/p>\n

Destroy collapsed to the floor and literally began stomping his feet. His little fists were balled up as he screamed, \u201cNoooooooo!\u201d At what, I have absolutely no idea.<\/p>\n

We gave up on dinner when Destroy hurled his sippy cup the length of the living room.<\/p>\n

A friend inquired if Jon was home. Of course not. That would have made it 2-on-2. You can\u2019t play zone defense when they outnumber you.<\/p>\n

As the hysterics increased in intensity, I simply let them flail and wail. Behind the nutty meltdown I could see Karma laughing hysterically.<\/p>\n

Perhaps a warm bath would calm them down. I alerted my friend for backup. \u201cAbout to attempt bathtime. If you don\u2019t hear from me in an hour, the house has obviously flooded. In that case come immediately with a large peanut butter and chocolate ice cream sundae.\u201d<\/p>\n

Twenty minutes later, I was wetter than the tub’s occupants. Destroy had sputtered and splashed before angrily gripping the blue Bathtime Fun Crayon and determinedly coloring his brother. (He\u2019s in his \u201cAngry Sibling as Canvas\u201d phase.) After an attempted retaliation bite by Search, Destroy ate the evidence.<\/p>\n

I now had Smurfs FUH-LIPPING their shit.<\/p>\n

Forget the ice cream. Where was the wine. No glass needed. I\u2019ll just take the bottle.<\/p>\n

I stood back, clutching my adult-beveraged sippy cup. Oh Karma, you bitch. I\u2019m pretty sure I could hear my mother laughing, \u201cYou have no idea,\u201d to herself amid the gasping sobs. (She used to threaten to film me when I\u2019d freak out. So in that respect, gotta be thankful *she* didn\u2019t have a blog.)<\/p>\n

I observed from a safe distance. They knew I was there. But they\u2019d made it crystal clear I was not a desirable soother. I didn\u2019t take it personally. It happens. They\u2019re two.<\/p>\n

But for the record – 2×2 = OMGWTFJUSTHAPPENED?!<\/p>\n

They were now gagging from such hysterical sobs. \u201cI don\u2019t know what you want, little man,\u201d I quietly told the batshit crazy boy. \u201cUse your words.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOUT!!!\u201d he hollered, running a stacking color cup along the baby gate like a 1930s Alcatraz prisoner.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I opened the gate.<\/p>\n

Out marched two muppets. They climbed the stairs, approached their crib and demanded, \u201cUp.\u201d Thirty seconds later both kids were curled into a little ball under their blanket, comfortably hugging their stuffed animal of choice. Silent, serene and sucking their thumb.<\/p>\n

I walked back downstairs, the sudden thundering silence ringing in my ears.<\/p>\n

What the fuck just happened?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

@HonestToddler: Pre-bedtime hysterics! Amiright? Going out in a blaze of cray cray! I am aware I was not the most subdued of children. I\u2019ve offered to let my mom take to these here interwebs to provide her memoirs on my … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true},"categories":[23,20,10],"tags":[672,948,400,619,224,947],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3Sbzi-GC","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":2233,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/a-toddler-house\/","url_meta":{"origin":2642,"position":0},"title":"A Toddler House","date":"February 29, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"So, since they're twins, are they just totally alike? No.","rel":"","context":"In "Baby Photos"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/02\/Logan_Sleeping_02-29-12.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":3119,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/how-to-put-a-toddler-to-bed\/","url_meta":{"origin":2642,"position":1},"title":"How to Put a Toddler to Bed","date":"February 22, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Fairy tales will have you believe that adroit parents simply put their offspring to bed and retire to enjoy the peace and quiet of adult time. The plan: Carry sweet child upstairs. Tuck them into bed. Read educational storybook. Kiss cherubic chubby cheeks. Close door gently. Return an hour later\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Bed-rest"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":3164,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/body-after-babies\/","url_meta":{"origin":2642,"position":2},"title":"Body After Babies","date":"March 13, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"The evening rolls around. I have big plans. I will cook a fresh and healthy meal. I will bathe the boys. I will engage in educational interactive play. I will read them a bedtime story. They will fall contentedly asleep. I will then complete a productive cardio and strength-toning workout,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Health"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2757,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/anatomy-of-a-toddler-temper-tantrum\/","url_meta":{"origin":2642,"position":3},"title":"Anatomy of a Toddler Temper Tantrum","date":"August 29, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"\u201cDoggie eats poop,\u201d announced a very awake muppet. This was going to be a long night. After two hours of chasing tail (haha), summersaults and \u201cHey Mommy! Watch This!\u201d the witching hour grew nigh. Bedtime. Destroy was displeased with this development. With the single phrase \u2013 \u201cTime to go night\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Destroy"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":3166,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/toddler-tactics-of-evasion\/","url_meta":{"origin":2642,"position":4},"title":"Toddler Tactics of Evasion","date":"March 15, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"My militaristic-type friends (by which I mean veterans of our armed forces) have shared that the tactics needed for escape and evasion are known as \u201cSURVIVAL.\u201d And it appears my future paratroopers were born with Man vs. Wild style instincts inherently embedded in their tiny fighting spirits. At their present\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/03\/art-of-survival-300x240.gif?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":2491,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/bad-mother-or-how-to-harness-the-power-of-a-toddler\/","url_meta":{"origin":2642,"position":5},"title":"Bad Mother (or How to Harness the Power of a Toddler)","date":"May 18, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"My house is baby-proofed. It is not toddler proofed. But the good news is there doesn\u2019t seem to be any lasting harmful effects from Monday\u2019s baby breaking incident. (Seriously folks, thank you so much to all of you who shared your own baby dropping stories. It truly made me feel\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Food"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/05\/Babyproofing.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2642"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2642"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2642\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2642"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2642"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2642"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}