{"id":2471,"date":"2012-05-06T22:00:22","date_gmt":"2012-05-07T05:00:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/?p=2471"},"modified":"2012-05-06T22:00:22","modified_gmt":"2012-05-07T05:00:22","slug":"a-toddler-sports-primer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/a-toddler-sports-primer\/","title":{"rendered":"A Toddler Sports Primer"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

The real explanation behind professional athletes is not necessarily innate or inherent talent. It is the ability not to kill themselves as toddlers.<\/p>\n

Baseball:<\/strong> Get hit in the head with a ball. Chase after it. Get distracted by the tee. Canvass the backyard clutching the bat and tee stand.<\/p>\n

Hockey:<\/strong> Slip and slide in socks across the kitchen floor stick tapping the tile until your brother takes you out with *his* stick. Giggle when Mom puts you both in the penalty box.<\/p>\n

Basketball:<\/strong> Throw the ball at the bucket. Retrieve the ball. Stand directly over the bucket. Fire ball into the bucket With. Authority. Or sit in the laundry basket with a ball.<\/p>\n

Soccer:<\/strong> Run wild around the yard. Kick things. Sometimes on purpose.<\/p>\n

Dodge Ball:<\/strong> Throw things. All the things. At parents, friends and siblings.<\/p>\n

Billiards:<\/strong> Poke at plastic softball-size baseball on tee with handle of bat. Break balls (and other toys).<\/p>\n

Horse Racing:<\/strong> Bounce on Lucky the Possessed Pony until his safely covered red springs threaten to snap. Rock so hard the stationary horse actually moves forward.<\/p>\n

Rodeo:<\/strong> Tip over Lucky the Possessed Pony in a fit of rage. Desperately try to right the horse \u2013 end up hogtying the stuffed animal instead.<\/p>\n

Gymnastics:<\/strong> Climb up onto Lucky the Possessed Pony by yourself. Stand up on the saddle. Let go of the handles and raise arms into victory stance.<\/p>\n

Track and Field:<\/strong> Toddlers have two speeds: Running and falling. Invisible hurdles, long jumps and high jumps. Also escaping bedtime or diaper changes.<\/p>\n

Biking:<\/strong> Scoot around on foot-powered tricycle. Master the art of riding backwards because you haven\u2019t figured out the motor skills involved in going forward.<\/p>\n

Rock Climbing:<\/strong> Scale everything. Entertainment cabinets, cribs, couches, dogs. Learn technique of holding on no matter what \u2013 especially if Mom tries to put you down (god forbid for a nap or to pick up your brother).<\/p>\n

Motorcross:<\/strong> Ride Power Wheels. Don\u2019t bother with steering \u2013 take on obstacles, like tables or trees, head on.<\/p>\n

Swimming:<\/strong> Graduate from flooding the bathroom to accidentally turning on the outdoor water line. Or experiment with the dogs\u2019 water spicket. (Don\u2019t let Mom catch you drinking out of it.)<\/p>\n

Football:<\/strong> Pick up object that will serve to stand in as the football. Charge! Tackle your brother.<\/p>\n

Bowling:<\/strong> Run in a direct line at any collection of objects. DESTROY ALL THE THINGS!<\/p>\n

Wrestling:<\/strong> They\u2019re toddlers. They\u2019re two. They\u2019re boys.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The real explanation behind professional athletes is not necessarily innate or inherent talent. It is the ability not to kill themselves as toddlers.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true},"categories":[394],"tags":[706,841,690],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3Sbzi-DR","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":2466,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/an-introduction-to-athletics\/","url_meta":{"origin":2471,"position":0},"title":"An Introduction to Athletics","date":"May 5, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"So the boys have Hand, Mouth and Foot Disease (HMFD). Yay. (Not to be confused with hoof-and-mouth disease \u2013 which afflicts well, animals with hooves.) I have been assured that HMFD is a common childhood virus of the coxsackievirus genre (capable of taking out an entire preschool class in a\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Destroy"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/05\/Intro-to-Athletics.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":3875,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/the-bucket-list\/","url_meta":{"origin":2471,"position":1},"title":"The Bucket List","date":"May 8, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"The seasons of sports are upon us. Search and Destroy are reaching the age where they are eligible for the local sports leagues. We\u2019ve always been of the mindset to sign the boys up for all the sports. Then they can decide if they have any interest. Yesterday we jumped\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Sports"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Sports-Bucket-300x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":4307,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/battle-with-the-backstop\/","url_meta":{"origin":2471,"position":2},"title":"Battle with the Backstop","date":"April 30, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"T-ball is far more dangerous than I initially anticipated. Surprisingly, this has nothing to do with balls or bats. I presume those dangers come into play once the wee ones graduate into actual baseball. T-ball practice is on Wednesday night. At this age, practice is still exciting because they\u2019re still\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Sports"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/Backstop-Baseball-300x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":4290,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/breakdown-of-a-t-ball-practice\/","url_meta":{"origin":2471,"position":3},"title":"Breakdown of a T-ball Practice","date":"April 13, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"5:25 Curse at whoever came up with the terribad idea of parallel parking. Repeatedly thank deities it wasn\u2019t required on the driving exam or you wouldn\u2019t be able to drive tiny peoples to T-ball practice. 5:28 Encourage tiny peeps to RUN RUN RUN across the field to join their team\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/Tball_Game-3_03-21-15_12-200x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":3201,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/the-boys-are-back-in-town\/","url_meta":{"origin":2471,"position":4},"title":"The Boys are Back in Town","date":"April 1, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Guess who just got back today? Them wild-eyed boys that had been away Haven't changed, haven't much to say But man, I still think them cats are crazy. Baseball\u2019s back! The boys have spent the past several months practicing and warming up in spring training. They\u2019ve honed new skills and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Baby Photos"","img":{"alt_text":"02-Crosstrain","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/03\/02-Crosstrain.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":4260,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/little-league-opening-day-a-play-by-play\/","url_meta":{"origin":2471,"position":5},"title":"Little League Opening Day. A Play-by-Play","date":"March 9, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":" Thank you for joining us out here today. I know we\u2019ve all been eagerly looking forward to Little League 2015 opening day! We appreciate you coming out to support us here on the t-ball field and have no doubt the energy and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Sports"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/Baseball-cards-300x212.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2471"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2471"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2471\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2471"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2471"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2471"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}