{"id":2414,"date":"2012-04-19T07:00:27","date_gmt":"2012-04-19T14:00:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/?p=2414"},"modified":"2012-04-19T08:42:59","modified_gmt":"2012-04-19T15:42:59","slug":"adventures-offline","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/adventures-offline\/","title":{"rendered":"Adventures Offline"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\u201cThe Internet\u2019s acting a little squirrelly,\u201d Jon texted me yesterday afternoon.<\/p>\n

By the time I got home, all the technology was askew. The Internet was down. So our VoIP didn\u2019t work. And no cable to watch the baseball games. With only one tiny cell reception bar.<\/p>\n

(AT&T \u2013 Less bars in more places. Because it\u2019s not like I live in the heart of the Silicon Valley. Oh wait\u2026)<\/p>\n

Jon was at work. The boys were asleep. I felt so alone and isolated. Someone hold me? (Yeah. I know. I have an addiction.)<\/p>\n

Friend: There are always squirrels to carry your data packets down the lines.
\nMe: I think they ate the line. Hence my predicament.
\nFriend: Ah, so you didn’t pay your squirrel union dues. I told you that would come back to haunt you.
\nMe: Clearly a sad face banana<\/a> tweetable moment. Let this squirrelly shakedown be a lesson to us all.<\/p>\n

But back to reality. Standing in the center of my home office \u2013 contorting myself into various yoga poses to obtain the single tiny cell reception bar on my phone \u2013 I called my service provider (who shall remain nameless in this post, due to their ability to shut me down).<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you know you can get real time outage information by visiting our website?\u201d the hold recording taunted me. Well, no. I can\u2019t. Since the reason I am calling is because I have no access to the Internet.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh! I see there was a technician out in your area today monitoring speeds. And I\u2019m seeing some notes on your account that you are experiencing some service leakage.\u201d<\/p>\n

Service leakage? I don\u2019t even want to know\u2026<\/p>\n

I expressed extreme skepticism that a technician just happened to be frolicking about on a cable pole in my neighborhood and suddenly my service goes dark.<\/p>\n

\u201cMa\u2019am, are you implying we turned off your service?\u201d No. I am directly accusing you of accidentally breaking my service. And I want it fixed.<\/p>\n

I was promised someone would appear at my door between 7:30 and 8:30 a.m. I explicitly confirmed this timeframe three times. (This will come back into play.)<\/p>\n

I was ready and pacing my kitchen at 7:29 a.m. this morning. I didn\u2019t really have anything else I could be doing. TECHNOLOGY WITHDRAWALS. At 8, I called to confirm my appointment. (Nothing like a little early morning yoga stretching.)<\/p>\n

\u201cYes ma\u2019am. We have you confirmed for an appointment between 8:30 and 10.\u201d<\/p>\n

I was not pleased.<\/p>\n

Guess who rolled in at 9:52. (I know. I\u2019m as shocked as you are.)<\/p>\n

And we commenced poking around the house looking to \u201cisolate the problem.\u201d No one seemed terribly interested in my suggestion to retrace yesterday\u2019s service-speed-monitoring steps. Listen people \u2013 I am WELL aware of the tactic Push Buttons Until It Works or Shit Blows Up. I get it. Shit blew up. But now it needs to be fixed.<\/p>\n

At one point, he decided he needed to move the TV to examine the splitter \u2013 the break in the connection between our cable in the living room and the Internet in the office. The house was silent but for the technician\u2019s heavy breathing.<\/p>\n

\u201cMESSAGE IN A BOTTTTTLLLLE\u201d Destroy\u2019s guitar began playing spontaneously<\/a>. (I fully expect to receive a worker\u2019s comp notice as a result of the shock.)<\/p>\n

Suddenly, with great enthusiasm, he was almost done. It seemed a bit iffy to me. But Lucky the Possessed Pony was staring him down. So I can\u2019t really blame the guy. And finally, just before noon, connectivity was declared restored and we were given the all clear to move about the cabin.<\/p>\n

Guess what didn\u2019t work when I got home today.<\/p>\n

Wholly enraged at the home Internet situation, I was back on the phone demanding it be fixed RIGHT. NOW.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow are you this evening? Would you be willing to take a brief survey at the end of this call?\u201d I am irritated that my Internet is still broken. And I think it would be in the best interest of all parties that I *not* participate in your customer satisfaction survey. It will not go well.<\/p>\n

PS. Dear fates, I got the hint and spent the evening working on my book thanks to the distinct lack of shiny objects. Please note I do not appreciate such heavy-handed tactics.<\/p>\n

PPS. Jon has since figured out the latest issue and reconfigured the router. I was outside bribing the squirrels.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cThe Internet\u2019s acting a little squirrelly,\u201d Jon texted me yesterday afternoon. By the time I got home, all the technology was askew. The Internet was down. So our VoIP didn\u2019t work. And no cable to watch the baseball games. With … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true},"categories":[20,624,1],"tags":[806,805,442],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3Sbzi-CW","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":4002,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/fun-with-fishing\/","url_meta":{"origin":2414,"position":0},"title":"Fun with Fishing","date":"September 4, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Search and Destroy received fishing rods for their birthday. So this past weekend, we headed to a local pond where a friend had assured us fish were practically leaping out of the water to eat bait. \u201cThat was the thing about nature: make one lousy rule to describe it and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Books"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/Caden-fishing-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":3388,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/nemo-hes-whats-for-dinner\/","url_meta":{"origin":2414,"position":1},"title":"Nemo. He\u2019s What\u2019s for Dinner","date":"June 14, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"So either our boys aren\u2019t picky eaters or we need to be paying more attention to their social skills. The following was the dinner conversation on Tuesday night. In either case, we\u2019ll be waiting by the phone for our Parents of the Year accolades. And not likely adopting a goldfish\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Family Stories"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/06\/NemoDinner-300x225.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":2405,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/spring-cleaning-or-throw-away-all-the-things\/","url_meta":{"origin":2414,"position":2},"title":"Spring Cleaning (or THROW AWAY ALL THE THINGS!)","date":"April 16, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"I just finished cleaning the house. So that sucked. The housekeepers are coming tomorrow so I had to clean up first. I know. It sounds counter-intuitive. But I don\u2019t do bathrooms. Oh, who are we kidding. I don\u2019t clean any of the things. Technically, Jon cleaned the whole house. 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Megan, of Never a Dull Second, is now proud BoyMom to two of the cutest\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Parenting"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/06\/Text-with-Megan-200x300.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/hello-world\/","url_meta":{"origin":2414,"position":4},"title":"You Want a Family? You\u2019re Going to Have a Family!","date":"February 2, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Announcing the Stream twins: Discovering their existence and sharing the news","rel":"","context":"In "Pre-natal"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/streamdoubletrouble.files.wordpress.com\/2010\/03\/jonathan2.jpg?w=350&h=200&crop=1","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1314,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/mommy-unplugged\/","url_meta":{"origin":2414,"position":5},"title":"Mommy Unplugged","date":"April 22, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Normal is a state of mind. On Tuesday, I went to speak on a panel about the NICU and hospital stays. The meeting was actually on Wednesday, so mommy-brain spent the remainder of the week following me around laughing. As the muppets\u2019 first birthday races toward us, our days in\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Bed-rest"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/04\/photo1-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2414"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2414"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2414\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2414"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2414"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2414"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}