{"id":2103,"date":"2012-01-05T08:00:12","date_gmt":"2012-01-05T16:00:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/?p=2103"},"modified":"2012-01-05T08:12:21","modified_gmt":"2012-01-05T16:12:21","slug":"the-uprising-or-why-i-am-cowering-in-a-corner-suspiciously-eyeing-my-childrens-toys","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/the-uprising-or-why-i-am-cowering-in-a-corner-suspiciously-eyeing-my-childrens-toys\/","title":{"rendered":"The Uprising (or why I am cowering in a corner suspiciously eyeing my children\u2019s toys)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>The toys are trying to kill me. I\u2019m pretty sure I\u2019ve discovered the source of all the mysterious bruises that keep appearing on my legs. Also, I may have a broken toe.<\/p>\n

I was sitting alone on my couch this evening, minding my own business, quietly typing away on a brilliant blog post for you. Only the living room lights were still on \u2013 the rest of the house was dark. I thought it would just be a quiet night to sit back, write, and enjoy a nice glass of the Pinot Noir Aunt Stephanie provided as a distraction for gifting the muppets two Power Wheels. (“Do not try to drive over your brother!”)<\/p>\n

I heard a slight buzzing noise behind me. I turned, slowly, as the rattling grew louder. This is the start to one of those horror movies I refuse to watch because they give me bad dreams. Yet, just like those poor saps (\u201cLet\u2019s investigate the wailing in the darkened basement of this abandoned house with the illuminating power of a candle on our side.\u201d), I began edging toward the bookcase housing some of the toys presently threatening to take over the living room. Dear god, I was going to be on the 10 p.m. news\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019M CHUCK. AND I\u2019M A DUMP TRUCK!\u201d announced a vibrant voice.<\/p>\n

I jumped approximately 7 feet back. Chuck revved and rumbled and hurled himself out of the bookcase cube. \u201cKEEP IT COMIN\u2019!\u201d he yelled at me, shaking his groove thang like no tomorrow. (Wise, considering I had instantly made the snap decision that Chuck would likely not live to see the aforementioned tomorrow.)<\/p>\n

I lurched\/lunged toward the toys, displacing a horde of angry Duplo Legos \u2013 which demonstrated their anger by flinging their remaining friends at my shins. I saw flashing lights, momentarily thinking a yellow Lego had landed a head shot. But no.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m Paul. I\u2019m a Police Car. We\u2019re heading to the crime scene!\u201d small blue and white car sang frenetically as it whizzed past me on the carpet. Paul was very determined. He must be friends with Chuck. I won\u2019t lie, the Minority Report aspect of the scene playing out before me was not lost on my psyche.<\/p>\n

I triumphantly snatched Chuck up from his mocking revelry dance and thrust his switch into the \u201cOff\u201d position. Take that you little plastic piece of rubble I thought, and kicked a few toys aside as I aimed to head back to my seat on the couch.<\/p>\n

\u201cLook out ladies, Mater\u2019s fit to get funky!\u201d taunted a Cars Tow Mater toy truck buried somewhere within the rubble.<\/p>\n

Oh hell. I began pawing through the pile because, let\u2019s face it, this was not going to be a children\u2019s version of Toy Story should we continue down this path.<\/p>\n

<Ding! Ding! \u201cThis is your CAPTAIN. Welcome aboard!\u201d \u00a0cried an airplane shape sorter. \u201cCan you find the BLUE triangle?\u201d<\/p>\n

No, as a matter of fact, I cannot, I yelled at the smiling aviator googley-eyes. I have not seen the blasted blue triangle in weeks \u2013 it may be under the couch or have met an untimely demise as the black dog\u2019s afternoon snack. (With a sick perversion overwhelming me, I found myself hoping for the latter.)<\/p>\n

\u201cSpin spin a letter!\u201d \/ \u201cYou are a VERY useful engine.\u201d And a plethora of other dinging songs came to life together. THE TOYS ARE RISING UP AGAINST ME!<\/p>\n

Where. Is. My. Wine. Or perhaps I should stay far far away from that glass\u2026Either way.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m stirring and stirring my pot!\u201d moaned the crockpot. \u201cOhhhhhh, the nutrients\u2026So healthy!\u201d (I\u2019m pretty sure this thing was having a sexual experience.)<\/p>\n

I fled to the bathroom for sanctuary. (It was the closest room with a door, ok?)<\/p>\n

\u201c1 little, 2 little, 3 little fishies\u2026\u201d sang the bathtub.<\/p>\n

Mother of the floating rubber duckies! I was in a horror movie. I\u2019d just locked myself in a room with MORE toys \u2013 angry wet ones residing in the tub. A Nemo-like clown fish continued it\u2019s song, asking me to play along. \u201cWhere is the red octopus? Can you find the RED octo..\u201d <glurrgle glurrggle><\/p>\n

That\u2019s right. I tried to drown a plastic fish. Don\u2019t judge me.<\/p>\n

I marched myself back into the living room and collapsed on the love seat. Right onto the baby laptop.<\/p>\n

\u201cPush, a letter button,\u201d it instructed.<\/p>\n

I hit the power button. With. Authority.<\/p>\n

\u201cPush a LETTER button,\u201d it demanded. \u201cThat\u2019s not a letter!\u201d<\/p>\n

Oh, for the love of all things holy \u2013 I am a word nerd by trade. I KNOW the power off is not a letter button! But the battery case was screwed shut. Power off was my only hope!<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

I'm a pretty pony.<\/p><\/div>\n

\u201cNew blog entry!\u201d the little green laptop excitedly announced unprovoked.<\/p>\n

Oh. My. God. It knows\u2026<\/p>\n

Tripping and stubbing my toe on the ledge, you can now find me cowering in the corner with a jumbo black hefty garbage bag. Just try me toys \u2013 I will Throw. You. Out.<\/p>\n

I looked up. Face to face with Lucky. \u201cI\u2019m a pretty pony\u2026\u201d Lucky whispered.<\/p>\n

Help\u2026meeeeeee\u2026.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The toys are trying to kill me. I\u2019m pretty sure I\u2019ve discovered the source of all the mysterious bruises that keep appearing on my legs. Also, I may have a broken toe. I was sitting alone on my couch this … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true},"categories":[478,20,22,421],"tags":[660,115,661],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3Sbzi-xV","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":4356,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/octopus-crime\/","url_meta":{"origin":2103,"position":0},"title":"Octopus Crime","date":"July 7, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Nana brought a bunch of vintage Transformer toys over. (Toys really were cooler when we were kids.) In any case, Search and Destroy both have full-blown Transformer fever. The symptoms of which are best represented by constant bickering over which is deemed \u201cthe coolest toy\u201d of the moment. ********** Search:\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Destroy"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/07\/11729001_10153139923759440_7073960838151234662_o-300x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1424,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/enterprise-mobility\/","url_meta":{"origin":2103,"position":1},"title":"Enterprise Mobility","date":"June 2, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"I\u2019m pretty sure my parents knocked off a Toys R Us on their way up for the muppets first birthday. But then again, this was certainly an event to celebrate. Search has discovered the possibilities behind his walker. The kid is zooming around the house faster and faster with each\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Baby Photos"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":3931,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/level-of-tiredness\/","url_meta":{"origin":2103,"position":2},"title":"Level of Tiredness","date":"June 23, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Level of tiredness: Arguing grammar and linguistics with a 4-year-old. Destroy: I throwed my transformer down the stairs. Me: You THREW your toy. And don\u2019t do that. Destroy: No, I throwed my transformer, not my toy. Me: Ok. But you already threw it. Which means you did it already. The\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Seriously?"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/06\/TS_Buzz_can_t_fly.sized_-300x200.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":4219,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/born-to-his-nickname\/","url_meta":{"origin":2103,"position":3},"title":"Born to His Nickname","date":"February 4, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"","rel":"","context":"In "Destroy"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1582,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/search-and-destroy\/","url_meta":{"origin":2103,"position":4},"title":"Search and Destroy","date":"August 2, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Back when I was just a normal pregnant woman, waddling around with healthy gestating twins, Grandma Nancy nicknamed the future muppets Search and Destroy. Prescient. We\u2019re on the verge of toddlerhood and my two tiny co-conspirators are living up to their pre-natal nicknames. Search, my little spirit of battle, takes\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Family Stories"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/08\/IMG_0372.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":2072,"url":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/merry-christmas-some-assembly-required\/","url_meta":{"origin":2103,"position":5},"title":"Merry Christmas. Some Assembly Required.","date":"December 27, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Christmas 2011 has come and gone. Hurricane Muppet is in full force. This is a long blog. I know this. I recommend some coffee. Go ahead, I\u2019ll wait. We woke up at 7 a.m. (letting Mommy sleep far later than the Christmas mornings of her childhood) and descended the steep\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Celebrations"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.streamdoubletrouble.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/Christmas_12-25-11_06-200x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2103"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2103"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2103\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2103"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2103"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/streamoftheconscious.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2103"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}