Are you readingÂ A Nervous Tic Motion Yet? You should be. I write a weekly column there â€“Â Wineconed Wednesdays. You know you want to throw some. And I would really love for you to join in! (And yes, I do plan to keep harping on this. It’s like being my very own Dave Barry.)
Let’s make wineconing a thing!
It’s the end of the world as we know it. And I feel fine.
You know the Mayans are looking down upon us and laughing right now. Because, letâ€™s face it â€“ if they were that good at predicting the futureâ€¦(yes, Iâ€™m going there)â€¦thereâ€™d still be Mayans. And Iâ€™ve walked the ruins.
Hereâ€™s to all this new year may bring us. And hereâ€™s to surviving it relatively unscathed â€“ thatâ€™s what the winecones are for, of course.
Letâ€™s. Get. Throwing!
I love my family; I really do. And I was thrilled when they got the chance to come visit. (To visit their grandchildren that is, Iâ€™m well aware they wouldnâ€™t have come if it was just me.) Even better, my father is a fantabulous cook. However, he decided to make zucchini. Zucchini, in case you are curious, is a plague upon mankind. And it was being cooked in MY house. Back foul demon, back! Winecones in protest and self-defense of the evil vegetable! (If youâ€™re thinking, â€œGee. I like zucchini,â€ let me enlighten you. It is disgusting.)
Moving on. To my â€œneighborâ€ who insists on setting off illegal fireworks every holiday that go BOOM, making my house shake and shudder, thereby causing Search and Destroy to wake up and scream â€“ may your next firework explode into a shower of a million winecones raining hellfire down upon you.
Winecone migraines. I got up to go to work last week. But no sooner did I then my knees hit the cold stone tile. I realized â€“ welp, THATâ€™S not happening.
Editorâ€™s note: Weâ€™ve got two options here: A winecone at your migraine â€“ Vicodin flavored. This may or may not make the headache go away, but it will likely make you not care that you have one. Or, a winecone right at your temple, knocking you out. Again â€“ youâ€™ll be out cold so who cares about the headache.
I want to Winecone the hell out of computer viruses or trojan horses, whatever the hell it is. 🙂 My sweet baby (my laptop) has one and has been gone for the past few days in an ICU for computers. Oh, how I miss it. LOL! Seriously though, I’m going freaking nuts not being able to write on my laptop. Sniff, sniff.
Editorâ€™s note: My apologies if our wineconing missions have caused technology to turn against us. But more likely, a wineconey love tap to make the machine work again. Enjoy the wine part as you await your babyâ€™s recovery. And the next time a Trojan Horse appears, may it be filled with winecones. Bam! Bam! Bam!
Would you please throw a winecone at the idiot parking lot drivers? I mean, they have no common sense. Zero. Really?! Youâ€™re going to block the entire lane waiting for someone with TWO SMALL KIDS? This is the problem with society â€“ no concern for how your actions impact others.
Editorâ€™s note: To this, I can relate. I recommend staring down the waiting car with a woeful look and pointing at the rugrats. When they clearly donâ€™t get it â€“ winecone the hell out of them. You may also want to throw a couple extra as you back out to avoid a fender-bender. Or, winecone their driverâ€™s license right out of their hands so you donâ€™t find yourself in this situation in the first place.
Iâ€™ve got a winecone. Second double ear infection in two months. But I want to send a smackaroo to the makers of codeine or else I would have coughed up a lung by now.
Editorâ€™s note: Sounds like youâ€™ve solved your own wineconing problem. See migraine winecone above. And on that note, kissing sounds fun â€“ letâ€™s move on to smackaroos. (Love you codeine.)
This one is important. Yesterday the Bloggess posted the hardest post sheâ€™s ever written. It is about depression and anxiety disorder. She notes self-harm. Itâ€™s not an easy read. But what you should take from it is that we are all survivors. I know many of us suffer from this. And it is thanks to people like Jenny the Bloggess that weâ€™re slowly coming to realize that this should not be a taboo topic. â€œWe survive. We win. We are alive.â€
Thank you for talking about it. We are not alone. And in addition to our weekly smackaroo, this week, A Nervous Tic Motion proudly sports a silver ribbon.
And as we tackle 2012, hereâ€™s a sweet and simple smackaroo to fresh starts. Sometimes we could all use one.
â€˜Till next week, winecones and kisses!
*Leave your Winecones in the comments or email us at email@example.com and weâ€™ll add yours next week!