The Spa Maternitee

When I was on bedrest lockdown, I received an email from my Momm2 (my college roommate’s mother) reminding me to really own my situation.

As a follow up to this week’s tips to navigate the NICU, here are some tips to relax should you find yourself on bedrest in baby jail – or on an unexpected stay in a medically-staffed sterile resort.

  • Practice the whines. Remember, there are whimpers and then there are whines, sighs and groans. Practice, practice, practice, and don’t forget to have a friend orchestrate with you.
  • Pillows must be fluffed! And insist that the room be kept at just the right temperature.
  • Magazines must be current and in abundance. Work related material may raise blood pressure and cause acute sinus clogs.
  • Do not feel pressured to play by hospital rules. Only a very comfy nightgown or PJs are acceptable – ask a loved one to smuggle in contraband sweats.
  • Only cute doctors, nurses and staff are qualified to treat maladies. Think ER’s Dr. Ross and Grey’s Anatomy McDreamy/McSteamy types.
  • Chocolate is advised…intravenously if  necessary
  • Music is food for the soul (and a disco party for babies in utero).
  • Practice “Oh Mommmmm,” “But Hoooney,” “I neeed…” “I can’t…” “Will you help me…” “Please put…” “Can you get… “The laundry needs…” mantras. Do not forget the Academy Award winning body language and facial expressions.
  • Read lots of good books – you know that iPad you’ve been wanting but couldn’t justify a need yet? You need one. However, make sure you have some heavy duty Einstein-y books nearby for visitors/nurses to glance at and walk away thinking, “WOW..this  one sure is brainy  and beautiful!” Stick the trashy stuff under previously mentioned fluffed pillow.
  • And of course, keep up a “Mom diary” (or brilliant blog like this gem). The day will come when you will want to hold it out, with that knowing look and emotional heart-wrenching pull to get the room cleaned, car washed, or other chores completed. (“Do you know what I’ve gone through for you?!”)
  • When feeling a need for quality sympathy, surgery is an option. This is a must to have on every “whoa is me” list and is guaranteed to elicit sleepless nights, tears, hugs, and well-wishes you become fully entitled to embrace your “it’s the all about me” mantra.
  • For those with child, bedridden in a hospital following a cerclage (I’m not sharing details – you know who you are if you’ve had one), relish in the fact that you have selected a procedure that exhibits exemplary control issues (“You’ll come out when  $@! % I say so …”)

Any future returns to the hospital will involve extensive kicking and screaming on my part. So friends, family and those of you finding my musings while dealing with your own bedrest boredom – take charge, keep the faith and embrace the love. (And people like Momm will keep you smiling.)

 

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Filed under Bed-rest, Hospital, Humor

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