For those curious, it is not possible to flush an entire roll of toilet paper down the toilet – cardboard roll and all. Even if you climb into the bowl to help shove it down.
Dinner was done. Not necessarily eaten, but food had been prepared, set out and smeared upon body and table. I was clearing the resulting catastrophic culinary creation of modern art and returning dishes to the dishwasher.
A toddler stumbled by, clad in nothing but a diaper and single sock.
“Umm…Search?” I called curiously following after him.
However in a reversal of roles, I was the one quickly distracted when I heard a mischievous gleeful giggle coming from the bathroom.
Suddenly Search risky-businessed across the wood floor hallway into the bathroom.
Destroy was dripping. And grinning.
The toilet was angry. Sputtering garbled gurgling protests.
“Potty time!” the boys exclaimed excitedly, repeatedly flushing the handle while toilet water gushed around my ankles.
I held my breath and tentatively lifted the lid. Bubbling and half dissolved, a defeated roll of toilet paper.
“Shit,” I stated unapologetically. Just want I wanted to do on a Monday evening – bobbing for tushy-wipes.
For the first time in my life I plunged my arm into the elimination commode. I squeezed the liquid from the decimated roll and rushed to throw it out. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.
There was a clattering while I was scrubbing my hands raw with scalding water. (Yes, I’m aware previous poopsplosions may seem ickier than a clean toilet. Not the point.)
“OH MY GOD! GET OUT OF THE TOILET”
“I helping,” Destroy replied, looking at me like I was a complete moron for expressing concern over the fact he’d just shoved two more rolls into the plumbing.
Meanwhile, Search had liberated one leg from his diaper. And peed. To be fair, it was in the general vicinity of the little frog potty. And he did get some in it.
“That does it. Get in the bath.”
The tub filled. Soap lathered. Mom properly soaked through and through. (Seriously. Wetter than the kids actually *IN* the tub.)
Destroy stood. He jumped (an impressive one too – his little legs cleared the water line). Boy was he pleased with his splash landing. “I JUMP!”
Both boys were rapidly swept from the underwater lair. (Johnson’s Baby Shampoo is gentle – no one will notice if it’s not totally rinsed right? Besides, how is soap scum different from the dirt they typically wear.)
“Mommy. I need my water.”
“No. No more liquids until Daddy’s home.”