My son christened me into the world of moms with boys today. He peed on me. (Oh, I am a mom of constant sorrow…)
I’d heard tales of such things before, laughed at them. There is even an available item out there called a “pee pee teepee – a must have diapering accessory for newborn boys.” (Yes, that pattern is indeed a wiener dog.)
Destroy managed to wiggle one leg out of his diaper while I was holding him. (We have brilliant and mobile children.) As an added bonus, he left an odiferous gift in the dangling diaper. Being a good mom, I was attempting to reattach a clean diaper to the little rascal. But as the stories go, as soon as I removed the dirty diaper and Destroy experienced the naked freedom of open air, the spigot opened. And he peed on me.
Destroy is only three weeks old. And as the pee pee teepee says, it’s meant for newborn boys. So for the next installment of family stories, I thought I would provide one from my own childhood – it’s related, even if it doesn’t involve a newborn.
Uncle Paul was five years old. Mom had finished reading aloud for the night and tucked my brother and me into bed. Paul fell fast asleep for the night. (I fell asleep too, but later woke up right quick.) Several hours later, Paul realized he had to pee. (Here’s where the phrase “follow the light” takes on a whole new meaning.)
Paul got out of his big boy bed and headed for the door. Yet, instead of going right – to the bathroom – Paul saw a light down the hall to the left. Turns out, our dad was lying on the floor, watching TV in the living room. In his still sleeping state, he followed the light.
Paul followed the light and trudged out toward the living room. He stopped in front my dad, dropped his drawers and started peeing.
Our dad started squealing in the highest pitched voice I have ever heard. “PAUL! PAUL! SHEEET!!! (this is a cussword shouted with a thick Italian accent) PAULINO!!!” (This is where I woke up.) Dad scooped Paul up and rushed him down the hallway. Completely oblivious, Paul continued peeing haphazardly about him – on the walls and on our dad. Our dad continued screeching, “PAUL! PAUL! SHEEET!!! PAULINO!!!”
Finally, they made it to the bathroom. Dad set Paul down in front of the toilet to finish his business. Paul promptly pulled his pants back up, turned around and walked back to bed. Dad was left standing in the bathroom trying to clean himself up and process what had just occurred.
I don’t think the pee pee teepee would have helped in that situation…
Thanks a lot Destroy. And oh, Brother, where art thou? Given the amount of diaper changes necessary, I’m sure you will pee on me soon enough. But know this: you will forever be my favorite soggy bottom boys.