Sacrifice to the Potty Gods

The boys want nothing to do with the potty. Rather they seem to be quite enamored with going through 3,000 diapers per year.

So we ordered books. (Because heretoforth those “What To Expect” how-to guides have always served us so well…)

Search and Destroy love them! They can recite them to us now. They toddle around the house chanting, “Chugga-chugga POOOO-POO!” (Because you know you’re life has peaked when you’re cuddled with your children reading “The Potty Train.”)

We may as well be trying to flush them down the big boy potty. The gaping maw of the open lid must seem as overwhelming as leaning over an open-sea cliff.

We bought a tiny person seat. Cars themed! The boys writhed in apparent pain as they squirmed away from letting any part of LightningMcQueen touch their little tushies.

We have a cute little frog potty. (Is there where life has led us? Finding bathroom abodes “cute”?) Every evening we take a bath. Every evening I suggest they sit on the froggie potty. Every evening they look at me like I’m completely crazy.

Perhaps they don’t understand. Diaper technology has come so far – maybe they’re just not bothered by having a wet diaper. That would certainly explain the oft-heard shrieks of, “No I not stinky!” (When they totally are.)

We decided to try something rash. Off went the boys on a field trip with Daddy to acquire some big-boy underpants. An adventure unto itself, the trio finally found vehicle-themed briefs small enough. (This scavenger hunt did help soothe the mind. If you can only find boys under-duds in size 4T, obviously they’re not expected to master the potty until age 4 right?)

Yeah. Notsomuch.

They were terrifically excited – removing their pants, their little faces alight with glee over their new clothing option.

“Ok, let’s put on your new big-boy undies,” we said, proudly helping them step back into their pants. “But remember, if you’re going to wear these, you need to go pee-pee in the potty.”

“No,” they both replied simply.

Twenty-five seconds later I heard a wail. Already?!

Destroy stood shell-shocked and stock-still in the middle of the living room. “I peed. I peed on my pants. I need a diaper,” he sobbed. He seemed genuinely heartbroken, repeatedly shaking his head and murmuring, “I peed,” throughout lunch.

Suddenly Search began performing an introductory version of the potty dance. “Ok, I go sit on the potty,” he allowed. “The LITTLE potty. I only need to sit on the little potty.”

He sat! We cheered! Nothing happened. Then we headed upstairs and he wet his pants. (At least it wasn’t on me.)

Evening fell. And once again I suggested the tots use the potty. Once again, they declined.

I plopped Destroy into the tub. Ten seconds later I scooped him back out and plopped him on the potty. “No! Poop in the potty! Sit here and finish pooping.”

Yup. He pooped in the tub.

I called for Jon while profusely praising Destroy for peeing in the potty. Jon and I swapped places as I went in search of the elusive all-purpose cleaner.

“No! Pee in the potty! Not on all the cabinets!” I heard Jon shout. Destroy began wailing again. Search proclaimed to the general public (his parents, the dogs and a toy truck) that Destroy peed. Again.

Jon and I once again traded places – he to scrub the tub and I off to wipe a baby bottom. We heard the water start running – I assume to rinse the offending ickiness out of the bathtub.

“Ooh!” Search perked up. “Bathtime. Finally…” And off he toddled toward the scene of the crime. (Still notably wearing his diaper.)

Destroy tentatively followed after him.

“By the way, the rug has a wet spot,” I began to explain to Jon. “But it’s not pee, it’s just the drips from the bath toys Destroy is still holding…No!”

“But that is pee, isn’t it?” a decidedly resigned Jon responded as a new liquid stream soaked Jon’s socks and pants. (Yes. Yes it was. At least we’re now peeing in the right room?)

Significantly later than originally planned, sticky, dusty, dirty boys were immersed in a clean tub filled with soapy water. Jon was a bit thrown off by the bodily fluid curveball.

“I haven’t cleaned the little potty yet. I haven’t even gotten towels or jammies yet. I DON’T EVEN HAVE PANTS!”

“Is this the first tub poop you’ve been home for?” I asked? He nodded. I laughed.

And thus concludes our potty training experiment of the day. (And likely a lot longer. Destroy really did seem a bit traumatized by the day’s events.)

I have been assured that very few children enter high school still in diapers. They’re only two and a half. And they’re boys. Realistically, we have a few more years to combat the stubborn determination genetically flowing through their veins.

Oh Potty Gods – I bequeath unto you an offering.

Today, it is the sacrifice of innocent big-boy panties. Condemned only for their ability to let toddlers experience the true experience of an “accident.”

And as a showing of sincerity, I also offer up my sanity. Condemned only in the effort to raise twins.

6 Comments

Filed under Destroy, Home, Parenting, Search, Seriously?

6 Responses to Sacrifice to the Potty Gods

  1. I was a few months away from giving birth to Kyle, and Connor was 4 1/2 and not yet potty trained. He was extraordinarily stubborn about potty training. I was freaking the hell out that I’d have 2 boys and diapers and Connor would end up starting kindergarten in pull-ups. I voiced my dismay to his preschool teacher, and she came up with a plan for us. We (both at home and at school) asked him every single hour, on the hour, if he needed to go potty. If he said yes, and went in the potty, he got to pick a small prize (sticker, cheesy party favor type stuff, Popsicle, etc.). It took a couple of months, but he handled it like a champ and only had one accident at school after we started her plan.

    Kyle is now 2, and isn’t talking quite yet (we’ve got a developmental therapist helping him), but he does understand everything we say. I’m thinking that once he masters “yes” and “no” that we’ll start him on the potty-training. We know he doesn’t like wearing a diaper already – I don’t think I’ve ever seen a kid whip off his diaper so he can pee on the floor before, so I’m hoping that’s his way of telling us that he’ll be ready to train soon!

    Good luck!

  2. Tatum

    Potty training stinks. Literally. As you know. Even when they do get it, you live a life of skids. I still wipe him, which I hear I’m supposed to let him do, but then the skids would be worse. Flushable wipes are my friend. His skids are coming from …uhm, the turtle factor. I started paying K a quarter every day he went without a skid. It improved, but we still have times that he proudly shows us a skid when he undresses.

    As for potty training, I take no credit and will give no advice (which I noted you didn’t request). The little girl in his class who is determined she and K will be married (already has a dress) has a very neat big sister and was quick to train. K liked sitting on the pot next to her (they have side by sides in the toddler room). One day his teacher called and said she was comfortable with him coming to school in underwear. He’d stay dry all day at school and come home and instantly pee his pants. So we diapered at home and underwear at school until he one day said, he didn’t want the diapers. (he still wears an overnight diaper) Whenever I see that little girl, I figure, if she can have a boy potty trained by his 3rd birthday, she is welcome to be my daughter-in-law some day.

    Okay, I can’t resist some worthless advice…Maybe you could send them to an all girls school??

  3. Oh, #codebrowns, how I hate thee.

    CJ, kind-of, potty trained himself. He was always interested, and with just a little encouragement, he was good (though we still put an overnight on him). Leila is a different story.

    First, there was a 3 month period where she pooped in the bath more often than not. Now, with her brother potty trained, we’re waiting for her to choose the same . . . and since CJ was, mostly, easy, this is proving to be a frustration. We’ll ask if she wants to use the potty, and she’ll explain that “no, me no use potty. CJ use potty.”

    I’ve always had worries that the kids don’t identify as individuals. It looks like this is how Leila is expressing her individuality. Dammit.

  4. Joanne Hamann

    Mitch was one month away from 3 – I, too, was convinced he’d never learn – they do – but what an ugly mess until then! And I agree that you still have to wipe them for quite awhile – they do a terrible job and I was afraid his little bottom would hurt (he’d kill me if he knew I was writing this).

  5. Christina

    Well – My son was fully potty trained at 21 months…. we was generally interested in it months prior but I didn’t really take him seriously until then. Which I think may give you some hope that when it is time… it is time… no sooner… sometimes later 🙂

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