Drop everything and go find a copy of Redbook Magazine – March 2012 edition! RIGHT NOW. I’ll wait. (You’re looking for page 19.)
My first piece in a nationally syndicated magazine has just hit newsstands. And our words are about to be seen by a circulation of 2.2 million people. Thanks peeps! Couldn’t have been so snarky without you.
Oh. My. God.
Just before we closed out 2011, I got an email from Redbook Magazine. The editor was responsible for a monthly segment called “Mommy Blogger Soundoff” and was wondering if I’d be willing to take on the assignment for the March 2012 issue.
So, I did what any professional writer/blogger would do. I quickly and calmly replied to my new editor saying I would be thrilled to participate along with a few questions for clarifications.
Ha ha. We all know that’s not what happened. I opened and closed the note approximately 72 times and then skipped around grinning like an idiot. I may have spontaneously hugged strangers. My attention span toward anything else rivaled that of my toddler’s until I met my deadline.
I proudly present to you:
Redbook “Mommy Blogger Sound-off: Things Never To Say To A Woman…At 6a.m.
15 quippy one-liners that would drive anyone crazy when said at that hour
Below is the extended list developed during consideration.
- You look tired.
- How ‘bout a morning quickie?
- Want to go for a run?
- So that’s what you really look like.
- Forgot to tell you, my parents are coming over for dinner this evening.
- The toilet is angry and appears to have exploded – or at least overflowed. A little help please?
- Coffee machine appears to be broken.
- Your turn to deal with the baby.
- Toaster’s on fire, again.
- Did one of the kids throw up in our bed last night?
- You’re seriously wearing that?
- We’re going to need to go to the ER now.
- Uh oh…
- Are you sleeping?
- Thanks for taking the time to join our conference call.
- Good news – the fire extinguisher works as advertised.
- It’s not my fault.
- What’s for dinner?
- How’d you get the black eye? (Those are dark circles.)
- Go check on the kids, I’m still sleeping.
- You look better with makeup on.
- You smell poop?
- Happy Monday!
- Hi. <smack> Hi. <smack>
- Your boobs look great, how soon before we can have another kid?
- You should be able to go back inside your unit in a week’s time. We hope to have the windows repaired and gas and water back by then.
- This is the Chief at the NICU. We need to discuss urgent treatment for your son.
- Good Morning! Arm please – I’m here to draw blood and take vitals.
- You don’t mind me flying the RC helicopter in our room do you?
- How come you don’t wear sexy stuff to bed anymore?
- I think you should start working out again.
- Cuddling with the dog is so comfy and warm.
- Wow. Your body really doesn’t recover from twins.
- Holy crap! It’s 9!
What else would get the messenger smacked at such an early hour?