One and Done


The following is an actual conversation that occurred in checkout lane 4 at my local Safeway. Seriously.


Lady: Oh my goodness! Are they twins?

Me: Yes. <Behave. Behave. Behave. Please behave.>

Lady: Aww…two boys?

Me: Yes. <Nope. Muppets.>


Oh kids…here we go…


Lady: Mine’s 9 months. But I only have one.

Me: Polite smile. <Well bully for you.>

Lady: I don’t know how you do it with two!

Me: You just do I guess. <I don’t know how you do it with one. I am clearly better than you.>

Lady: Are they your only?

Me: Yes. <I have dogs and a turtle too.>

Lady: Are you done?

Me: Yes. <You are awfully interested in my procreative activities. This is a conversation I should be having with my husband, not you.>

Lady: Don’t you want to try for a girl?

Me: No. <Some day I may adopt a girl dog. But if I say that, you will probably think *I’m* the bitch.>

Lady: Haha. You will when they’re a bit older.

Me: Polite smile. <They ARE older. You weren’t around for the exciting beginnings. Unless you read my blog. In which case, say something!>

Lady: You never know.

Me: Yes. <Oh I know. There are medical steps that can be taken to ensure such “Not Pregnant” outcomes.>

Lady: Just see what happens, right? You’ll see. You’ll change your mind.

Me: Have a nice day. <Oh no I won’t. If I have another kid, it’ll be the second coming. And given that I write blasphemous posts about losing my religion, I wouldn’t get my hopes up.>


Jon and I always wanted two kids. We almost beat the put on the first go-round. There is no need to engage in a second round of Russian roulette.

As it stands, we’re at even odds. The children do not outnumber the parents.

If we had only a singleton? Perhaps the conversation would be different. But I don’t believe I’m strong enough to play another match – and my odds for having another preemie are now double.

To each his own when deciding on building the family. But for me, no – there will be no more children.

And for all those of you mourning my lack of a daughter:

1)    Karma’s a bitch. I, remembering what it was like to be a daughter, would be afraid. Very afraid.

2)    I have a husband, two male dogs, two sons, a male tree in the front yard, a brother, and a brother-in-law. Girls weren’t in the cards for me.


Filed under Seriously?

12 Responses to One and Done

  1. Oh, the questions people ask about twins. Being in public is like being a sideshow at the fair.

  2. And a sister in law!

  3. Never, ever allow the kids to outnumber the adults. I feel really, really bad for the parents of triplets or quads, because they didn’t ask for that shit. God decided to make the game impossible to win.

    I was really, really afraid, when talking about kids with Duffy – we were mostly on board, as two would be the proper number of children to have. But, at least at the time, she was insistent that a girl needs a sister.

    Thankfully, that’s over with.

    I have to seriously fight the urge to stab when I’m asked if they’re twins – especially if I then need to explain why my kids are so close in age. I think I’m going to stick with “my wife is a very understanding person” and then refuse any follow-up questions.

    • That is an awesome follow up 🙂 My hubs often responds to the question, “Omigawd! Twins?!” with “Nope. Different mothers.”

    • You always neglect to add that I believe a girl cousin is just as good as a sister. So that is definitely taken care of. And hopefully soon doubled.
      If I got money everytime someone says, “You really have your hands full,” my kids could go to college now. Ivy League.

  4. Wow. Just . . . wow. I cannot believe a stranger seriously asked you if you were done having kids. People are so nosey!

  5. Maureen

    Surprisingly I have that same conversation with other shoppers when I go out with the girls. But they ask if we are going to try for a boy. One twist that some add is “maybe you’ll get twin boys next time too!”

  6. Joanne Hamann

    Boy children are the best anyway? By the way, are you sure you’re done? (just couldn’t resist).

  7. Jenna

    Yeah, I have twin girls and get this a lot too. The funny thing was that I had people asking if I was going to go for a third before the twins were even born! I mean, at least let me experience the first two before I make that decision 🙂

  8. Devin

    I have identical twin boys, age 15 months, and I really enjoy reading your blog! I had to respond to this one because I have a husband, an older step-son, and a male dog. Girls were definitely not in the cards for me either. Every now and then I wistfully imagine painting a little girl’s toenails, but then the thought of having to quit work because I can’t afford daycare for THREE kids (or, I can barely even say it, the though of having another set of twins) scares the bejeezus out of me and I quickly banish the thought. Oh well, little boys like pink toenails right…?

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