â€œDestroyâ€™s had a rough morningâ€¦â€ Miss Stephanie continued. â€œI felt that I should call and warn you before you came to pick him up as he looks a bit worse for wear.â€
I forced myself to hang onto the phone as I dropped my head onto my desk. “What happened?”
This morning Search tried to bite Destroy. But being used to sparring with his brother, Destroy shoved him out of the way â€“ irritating a frustrated â€œspirit of battleâ€ even further. Search lunged again and scratched Destroy across the face.
While Search was led to the Penalty Box, Destroy headed off in the opposite direction, back to the motorcycle heâ€™d been trying to ride. And proceeded to trip right over it, smashing his little face on the floor.
During outdoor play Destroy stumbled, skidding along the ground. â€œItâ€™s kind of like a rug burn, but on the cement. So a concrete burn,â€ Miss Stephanie informed me. â€œHe was treated with hugs.â€
So, to clarifyâ€¦the muppets accumulated four incident reports before lunch?
Thatâ€™s gotta be a new record.
Oh good grief Charlie Brownâ€¦ The â€œconcrete burnâ€ is down the right side of his face â€“ mostly focused on his nose. But hey â€“ itâ€™s the holiday seasonâ€¦Destroy as Rudolph the Red Nosed Muppet. (Wait, am I mixing my Christmas claymation stories here?)
Search sauntered around the corner shortly thereafter. He paused, stuck his thumb in his mouth and looked up at me with bright wide innocent eyes. â€œI am adorable.â€ I eyed him and his â€œDear Santa, I can explainâ€¦â€ shirt. Love the irony little dude. Very impressive.
We piled back into the MomMobile and headed home. About halfway home, the muppets decided they were hungry RIGHT THIS INSTANT. Destroy began to wail pitifully, no doubt about his terrible horrible no good very bad day. (Which reminded me that I needed to call Australia in the morning.)
Yes, I served my children kid crack tonight.
Channeling June Cleaver, I raced around the kitchen preparing dinner in blouse, skirt and 4-inch heels. (Note: The perfect women of the 1950s were clearly perpetually inebriated with far to much Vitametavegimin serum. Itâ€™s the only explanation.) In 5 minutes flat, the boys were strapped into their high chairs, sucking down milk and inhaling dinner like theyâ€™d just discovered food.
Tonight the muppets experienced a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for the very first time: wheat bread, chunky peanut butter and boysenberry jam. (This is a perfectly appropriate meal. It beats cereal and they had milk and kiwi to ensure it was â€œpart of a balanced meal.â€)
I began to think I may have created a monster when I noticed Destroy licking the peanut butter off the bottom of his sippy cup. Clearly my son has good taste. But on the bright side â€“ after the full body sandwich experience you could no longer tell which muppet had a scrapped up face.
Hey boys â€“ you know I was just kidding about you being daredevil covert James Bond/Jason Bourne black ops right?
Now if youâ€™ll excuse me, I have to go stare at my sons sleeping to make sure they keep breathing. (Iâ€™m a big fan of their miraculous ability to breathe. Donâ€™t judge me.)
So far, so good. It does not appear we have a peanut allergy. However, in hindsight, it may not have been the best idea to observe this while they were covered in sticky reddish/purple splotches.