Soâ€¦this was my night. How was yours?
Destroy: Look. There are two lights on. One light is dead. 1â€¦2â€¦3â€¦ lights!
(My son is obviously brilliant.)
(Look at him shunning traditional conventions.)
Me: Search, can you count?
Search: <after a contemplative pause> No.
Me: Ok, letâ€™s go take a bath.
Search: I need my pants off.
Me: Do you need to go potty?
Me: Can you sit on the potty?
Me: Letâ€™s sing our ABCs! <Sings to children â€“ poorly, but I did get all the letters right. So, Iâ€™ve got that going for me.>
Search: ABC! Again! Sing ABC song again!
Destroy: ABC. ABC.
Me: How about we count to 10 now? 1â€¦2â€¦
Search: Look mommy, two poops! <holding up two distinct stinkies>
Me: What?! Ohmygod. Letâ€™s wash your hands. RIGHTNOW. <calming myself> Who pooped?
Search: Destroy. Destroy pooped.
Destroy: No I not stinky.
Search: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! GET IT OFF ME! I donâ€™t like the poop! I need to get out. I donâ€™t like poop!
Me: Search, did you poop?
Search: No. Destroy pooped.
<The next 15 minutes are spent with me cleaning poop out of the bathtub while simultaneously yelling at the two tiny whirling dervishes, â€œDo not lick your brother! And diapers stay on our bottoms! Because that is the rule. No. Absolutely no diaper hats!â€>
Me: Did you poop?
Me: Would you tell me if you did?
Destroy: No. 7â€¦8â€¦9â€¦ 10! 7â€¦8â€¦9â€¦ 10! 7â€¦8â€¦9â€¦ 10! 3â€¦7â€¦8â€¦9â€¦ 10! Mommy?
Me: Yes, sweetie?
Destroy: Search stinks.
Me: Holy shit! <donâ€™t worry, I said this part in my head> It WAS you, you little stinker.
Search: <mischievous cackles>