So…this was my night. How was yours?
Destroy: Look. There are two lights on. One light is dead. 1…2…3… lights!
(My son is obviously brilliant.)
(Look at him shunning traditional conventions.)
Me: Search, can you count?
Search: <after a contemplative pause> No.
Me: Ok, let’s go take a bath.
Search: I need my pants off.
Me: Do you need to go potty?
Me: Can you sit on the potty?
Me: Let’s sing our ABCs! <Sings to children – poorly, but I did get all the letters right. So, I’ve got that going for me.>
Search: ABC! Again! Sing ABC song again!
Destroy: ABC. ABC.
Me: How about we count to 10 now? 1…2…
Search: Look mommy, two poops! <holding up two distinct stinkies>
Me: What?! Ohmygod. Let’s wash your hands. RIGHTNOW. <calming myself> Who pooped?
Search: Destroy. Destroy pooped.
Destroy: No I not stinky.
Search: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! GET IT OFF ME! I don’t like the poop! I need to get out. I don’t like poop!
Me: Search, did you poop?
Search: No. Destroy pooped.
<The next 15 minutes are spent with me cleaning poop out of the bathtub while simultaneously yelling at the two tiny whirling dervishes, “Do not lick your brother! And diapers stay on our bottoms! Because that is the rule. No. Absolutely no diaper hats!”>
Me: Did you poop?
Me: Would you tell me if you did?
Destroy: No. 7…8…9… 10! 7…8…9… 10! 7…8…9… 10! 3…7…8…9… 10! Mommy?
Me: Yes, sweetie?
Destroy: Search stinks.
Me: Holy shit! <don’t worry, I said this part in my head> It WAS you, you little stinker.
Search: <mischievous cackles>