I like dogs. They make me happy.

I have two. They are buffoons. They are the living embodiment of Pinky and the Brain. They hurl themselves at the door when the FedEx man arrives with our daily delivery of diapers. They frantically bolt from the house to bark at the bushes should the battery in the smoke detector beep to alert us the battery had run low.

My friend has a much more well-behaved girl dog. Named Lucy. He has pointed her better behavior out on numerous occasions – as she hides quietly behind him as one of my canines tries to mount her while simultaneously begging for the muppets’ dinner.

(Our dogs eat a lot of things they shouldn’t.)

Perhaps for this very reason, Search and Destroy love her.

Recently, my friend had to go on an extended day trip for work. I was on Lucy duty for the day – making sure she was let out and fed.

Here I would like to point out one of the true tenants of friendship: Standing outside in the morning cold because you’ve agreed to dogsit and your friend’s dog needs an audience to poop.

Turns out – all dogs go to heaven, and they are all completely neurotically nuts.

Me: <Open door, flip on (seriously pathetic) lights.>  Hi Lucy-girl! You hungry?

Black dog: <Eyes me suspiciously> Who dares disturb my slumber? <Flattens self to bed in hopes of activating invisibility cloak>

Me: C’mon cute girl. Hungry?

Black dog: IT IS MY FRIEND WITH FOOD!

Me: <Pours food, walks over to open slider>

Black dog: <Scoots out to living room. Takes bite. Eyes friend with food. Takes bite. Eyes friend with food.>

Me: C’mon Lucy-girl. Let’s go outside. <Scratches doggy’s ears>

Black dog: <Exits house. Sits. Stares up at friend with food>

Me: Let’s go cutie.

Black dog: <Sniffs around. Squats. Does nothing. Trots back inside.>

Me: Nope. I saw that, let’s go girl. Back outside.

Black dog: I SHALL DISTRACT HER WITH MY DRAGON TOY. LOOK HOW CUTE I AM. I bet I am cuter than those mongrel puppies who always want to see me in the car.

Me: Lucy…

Black dog: Plods outside, does her thing.

Me: I don’t clean poop here. I do enough of that at home. Bye Lucy, see you this afternoon.

Black dog: Shoots back into house. Sits patiently on her bed in bedroom.

Me: <Opens front door to leave>

Black dog: Friend with food is gone! BACK ON HUMAN’S BED! NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!