â€œHe always smiles like heâ€™s got a secret,â€ Searchâ€™s teacher informed me.
And with his wry little half-smirk, I have no doubt that he does. You see, Search and Destroy know the secret of life.
I have a confession; my own secret behind the smile. My idea for the name of this blog was originally A Stream Triple Threat. You see, there were initially three.
It took us years with many needles and doctorâ€™s visits, interspersed with early loss heartbreak, to get pregnant. I thought that was the hard part. I was so nervous. I so desperately wanted everything to go well. And at six weeks along, we got to hear the heartbeat(s).
There were three.
As I got dressed to leave, clutching the sonogram showing Baby A, Baby B, and Baby C, the nurse looked up at me sadly. I stared at her, still in shock. â€œIâ€™ve seen too many multiples born at 20 weeks,â€ she said sadly.
At 14 weeks, I lay on a gurney. â€œThere is no heartbeat. Iâ€™m sorry.â€ I stared at the staticy screen. Was it a boy? Was it a girl?
At 26 weeks, the doctor stood by my hospital bed. â€œI know you were heartbroken. But you realize we wouldnâ€™t have been able to get you this far with three.â€
Baby C was the twinsâ€™ guardian angel.
At 27 weeks Jon and I became preemie parents. Of two. The roller coaster had reached that first apex. Let the ride begin.
Well *this* is not how I thought this game was going to go when that nurse called me at 9 a.m. five months ago.
No one goes into the game of pregnancy thinking theyâ€™ll become a preemie parent. This is a silent sorority no one pledges.
Society depicts us all as glowing pregnant women â€“ waddling through our ninth month, complaining that we are done baking â€“ the inside joke of all mothers-to-be. But sometimes reality shakes us out of that ignorant blissful dream of chubby cherubic babies. Sometimes babies are born too soon.
Today is the first ever Parents of Preemies Day. It is a day to recognize the courage and commitment needed when the world turns topsy-turvy and prematurity sends a new family down the rabbit hole of a new normal.
It is the support a newly minted mom needs as she stands by a tiny isolette, wracked with guilt that she couldnâ€™t do more to protect her little ones. But they fought. And we discovered a new normal.
Maybe someday heâ€™ll share whatâ€™s behind that secret smile.